


I Hear You Are Always Drunk In The Afternoon

by Reneeyanceywriter



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Complicated Relationships, F/M, Heartbreak, NSFW Art, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2019-08-09 18:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 25,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16454837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reneeyanceywriter/pseuds/Reneeyanceywriter
Summary: Jamie, a paramedic, meets a very drunk Claire on a call. His helping her complicates his relationship with Mary MacNab.





	1. A Call for help

"Mistress Beauchamp?"

"That me. Missstreeess Beauuuuchhaaammp. Or you can call me Claire." Her words slur and they can smell the alcohol coming off of her from several feet away.

"Why do we always get the real drunk ones?" Rupert Mackenzie complains to his cousin and partner Jamie Fraser.

"Because we are big and can handle them." Jamie answers.

"Hey fellers, I am drunk. Not deaf."

"Beg your pardon Mistress." 

"Welll aren't you a sweet one."

"Mistress Beauchamp, we have heard you are always drunk in the middle of the afternoon." Rupert states.

"Who say? Ahhh it is true enough."

"Well, Mistress, that.is no good." Jamie adds as he.takes her pulse. They had been called out because her neighbor found her passed out in her yard. She had aldo reported her extreme drinking.

"You are Scot if my ears, ahhh, I , you are.Scottish?"

"Yes lass."

"So you should, ummmm, understand."

"This is what we understand. You are.destroying your body. And putting yourself in danger." Rupert answers.

"Wasn't talking to you."

"I.."

"Rupert, go get the gurney. We need to take her in." He knows Rupert had a hard.spot for drunks. His father had beat his mum to near death while drunk.

"Mmmfffhh." But he goes and does it.

"See, you understand."

"I don't lass."

"Claire."

"Can you explain Claire?"

"I found my husband in bed with my best friend and started drinking. Never stopped." And, in the way of drunks, she burst into tears. 

"Ah Christ." Rupert says when he sees her.

"Not a word Rupert. Let's get her loaded." The lift her on to the gurney and strap her in. They load her in the back and start.an IV. Rupert goes to the front to drive while Jamie calls in her vitals and gives the hospital her history. She is still weeping. 

"Lass, Claire. He is an arse. But if you continue to destroy yourself, you are.letting him win."

"What is your name?"

"Jamie."

"Jamie, will you help me? Please." The.bald need drew.him in and before he knew it, he had agreed to help her.

"Ye wee fool. What is it, ye want in her pants? Mary may not be happy about that."

"No Rupert. She is just so lost."

"Almost everyone we meet is. Why her?"

"I dinna ken. There be something."


	2. Rehap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie arranges for Claire to enter rehap.

He finds tucked in a hospital bed clean and slightly more sober. A banana bag hangs from one arm. A saline on the other.

"Jamie?"

"Aye Mistress. Ye look better."

"I feel better. I was pretty messed up earlier."

"Aye."

"I recall asking for your help. Will you help me?"

"Are ye ready to change?"

"I am. I can't keep doing this. I am killing myself."

"Aye Mistress."

"Claire please."

"Claire. If ye are serious about changing, then I can get ye into a rehab facility. Ye would have to really work. Twill not be easy."

"Yah. And this is. It isn't my first trip to the hospital. I can't, no won't do this anymore."

"Verra good to hear Mis, errrr Claire. Ye ready to head from here to there? It is easier not to head back to yer own environment."

"I will need clothes."

"Okay. I will be ready."

He smiles and squeezes her hand. "Verra good. I will be back when ye are ready to be discharged. Will take ye there."

"Thank you Jamie. So much.

His phone rings as he exits her room. He looks down and smiles. It is his girlfriend Mary NacNab.

"Hi luv."

"Hi baby. Off in an hour?"

"I am but.."

"But?"

"I've someone I am taking to Lallybroch."

"Drugs or alcohol?"

"Alcohol. I shouldn't be long. I ken what day it is."

"Verra good."

"I love you."

"I love you too. Hurry home."

"Oh, I will."


	3. To Lallybroch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie takes Claire to Lallybroch and sees her settled.

Claire checks out in hospital pajamas. Her clothes were filthy and Jamie will not allow her to go home and get more. He brings her a plaid to wrap around her and escorts her to his jeep.

"Where are we going?" It is funny. She hadn't thought to ask until now.

"Lallybroch. It is my family's old estate. My parents turned it into a rehap facility after my brother, Willy, overdosed."

"Oh Jesus, I am so sorry Jamie."

"Thank you. They are quite particular about who they accept for treatment but they trust me. So, dinna let me down lass."

"I won't. I know that I can't get past what they did by punishing myself. By drinking to forget."

"No ye can't." He pulls up to a light and turns to face her," who are you Claire?"

She knows what he is asking. She tries to look away but he takes her face and turns her back towards him.

"Who are you Claire?"

"I am..oh bloody hell, I am an alcoholic." Her tears drip down his hand.

"Verra good Claire. Where ye must start?"

He turns back to the road as she weeps beside him. She cries as they drive through the next town. He pulls into a fast food drive-through. 

"Hamburger or chicken Claire?"

"I can't." 

"Ye must. Hamburger or chicken?"

"Hamburger."

"Good." He pulls up and orders and they eat in silence in the parking lot.

"Why me?" She asks as he pulls out.

"Ye asked for help."

They pull up to Lallybroch a half hour later. The brick structure is massive. It stretches up three stories. Ivy and rose vines climb up it's sides. It's homey feel put her immediately at ease.

"Come Claire." He opens the door for her and she follows him inside.

"Hello Jamie. And who do ye have with ye?"

"Hello Mrs Fitz. This is Claire Beauchamp. Claire meet Mrs Fitzgibbons known to all as Mrs Fitz."

"Nice to meet you."

"You too dear. What floor Jamie?"

"Second." She nods and gets up. "Come dear and I wiill take you to your room."

"Jamie?"

"Go with Mrs Fitz Claire. It will be fine."

"You can't come with me?"

"No. I have to return home. I will check in with you. You are in good hands."

"Okay."

"Jamie, tell Mary hello from me." Mrs Fitz says.

"Will do. See you Claire."

"Goodbye Jamie."

"Bye," he turns and walks out.


	4. An Anniversary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Mary celebrate an anniversary. But, will he be able to keep Clairw off his mind?

He returns home to a candle-lit dinner. Mary meets him at the door in just her mostly-lace negligee. He groans and pulls her in for a kiss.

"Sorry baby that am late but ye ken how Rupert feels about drunks."

"I do. Happy anniversary."

"Hmmm, happy anniversary. We will have a wedding anniversary some day."

"Ye recalling this one is a start."

"We went to see An Affair to Remember and went out for pizza. Then, came back here. Got drunk on wine and I got to second base."

"Aye ye will get farther tonight but food first." As they eat, he tells her about Claire.

"Aye, tis the root of it. The hurt, the mistrust." His face darkens and she knows he is thinking of what happened to Willie.

"Dinna think of it tonight, Jamie."

"Sorry love. It is just that- she walks while Willie."

"I ken. Ready for dessert?"

"Ye always ken the right thing to say."

After..

"I wonder?"

"Wonder what?" She lays breathless by his side.

"Och, just how Claire be settling in."

"I am sure Mrs Fitz has her well in hand. She is verra good at her job."

"I ken, it is just she is so lost."

"What is it ye say, they must want to find themselves before they can be helped? Isn't her willingness to go to Lallybroch a good first step?"

"Aye, ye be right. Ready for a second helping?" She is.


	5. Settling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie checks in with Claire.

"Mrs Fitz."

"Hello Jamie. Are ye bringing us another client?"

"No, just came to check-on Claire."

"Ahh, she is settling in nicely."

"May I see her?"

"Now Jamie, ye ken that is normally not allowed but since it ye and since she has been asking about ye."

"She has?" She had. In fact, the poor lass had screamed out his name in the middle of a nightmare the previous night. But, her privacy won't allow Mrs Fitz to disclose that.

"Aye. Come. She is in the day room." Lallybroch's old sitting room had been transfered into the rehaps day room. A place for her clients to gather to socialize and relax. Claire sits apart from the others. Her knees pulled up to her chest as she watches the fire in the fire place.

"Claire." She jerks up at the sound of his voice. Her face, scrubbed free of makeup, is bone white. There are dark circles under her eyes. Even with all that, Jamie is stunned by her beauty. Her whisky colored eyes draw him in and her brown curles are free and shiny around her face.

"Jamie, so glad to see you."

"How are ye doing?"

"I am hurting. The nightmares are fierce. I ache. I both know a drink will fix it and destroy me. So, there's that. But, the therapy is very helpful. I am learning a lot about myself. And the reasons I drink. No, the reasons I drank. Three days clean and counting." She pulls three wooden tokens out of the front pocket of the hospital johnies she wears. She hands them to him. Each represent a day clean.

"I am quite proud of you Claire." He tells her grazing her hand as he hands the tokens back. He shivers as the contact raises goosebumps.

"Thank you. I am proud of myself. And thank you for bringing me here."

"You are quite welcome. It will get better."

"One day at a time."

"The only way to do it." He agrees.

"Who is Mary?" She asks as she turns the tokens around in her hands.

"She is my girlfriend. We just had our first anniversary. Where did you hear her name?"

"Mrs Fitz said to you to tell her hello. How was your anniversary?"

"Ahh it was good." He blushes. How adorable.

"I am glad. You deserve happiness."

"As do ye Claire."

"Yah, well this first. And trusting a guy again."

"Ye trust me."

" I do. But you are taken."

"Aye. But, since ye can trust me, maybe ye can trust another."

"Maybe." She sighs and shivers as a chill goes through her. Jamie sees and grabs one of the blankets of the back of the couch. He wraps it around her. His hand brushes her breast and he jerks away.

"Sorry Claire, I.. Ah..have to go. Mary waits."

"Yes Mary." She sighs again pulling the blanket tighter around her. "Thanks for coming."

"I will come back, if that is okay?"

"I would like that. Thank you."

He nods, gets up and walks out. She watches until he is out of sight before sighing again.


	6. DT's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire is suffering with DT's. Will Jamie come to help? How will Mary react?

They are everywhere. Crawling on her skin. On the blankets. Across the pillow. In her hair. On her face. In her mouth! She thrashes and screams. Running her hands up and down her arms, across her face. It does them no good to tell her they are not real. In her mind they are. And.that is all that.matters. 

"Help me! Someone please help me! I need to get these bugs off! I need help!" She cries out. Duncan, Jamie's uncle and head of security, wants to tie her to the bed. Gellis, the head nurse on the night shift will not let him.

"She will tear her own arms out of joint trying to get to the wee bugs, and ye ken it well."

"Aye lass, but I also ken that she is a danger to herself in that state and others."

"She can be. We are awaiting Dr. Abernathy. He will probably medicate her. Until then, stand guard. Keep an eye. If she tries to leave the room or hurt herself, stop her."

"Aye."

Dr.Abernathy arrives soon after. He takes one look and shakes his head. "Poor dear is having DT's."

"Aye doc. Will ye medicate her?" Dougal asks.

"Yes. Gellis draw up some diazepam and thiamine. We will give it through her IV."

"Right away."

"No, no! It will make them.worse! Jamie! Jamie! They are trying to hurt me! Jamie!"

"Shhhh, Claire. It.is okay. We aren't trying to hurt ye lass. This will make the bugs go away."

"Promise?"

"I do."

Dougal hovered but wasn't needed as Claire relaxes under Gellis' burr. The drugs are soon flowing and she settles for a bit. Until a nightmare re-awakens her.

"Jamie!" Her.cries shatter the stillness of the pre-dawn. Gellis and Mrs Fitz run in.

"Claire, what is it?"

"Jamie! I need Jamie. He can protect me. Please. Jamie!"

"Is it the bugs? Are they back lass?" Gellis asks.

"No. It's not them. The monster. No..." She shook and shivered," monsters. They are after me. Please..only Jamie can protect me."

"Claire listen. Jamie is at home. It is the alcohol withdraw that make ye see such. We can give ye more medicine. Ye will feel better then." Mrs Fitz sooths.

"It isn't just...please. Ye must believe me. Will you call him please. I really really need to see him." The frantic look that she had in the middle of the DT's was gone. She looks scared but not terrified. She is not looking into the Abyss. But, something has her scared. It is her control fear and lack of frantic terror that has Mrs Fitz calling Jamie before she can think twice. It is the relief on Claire's face that tells her it was the right decision.

"Mrs Fitz what is it?" A obviously just awakened Jamie asks. 

"Claire!" His exclamation wakes Mary. 

"Yes, she has had a.rough night. I believe a visit.with you would help her relax enough to really sleep."

"I will be right there."

"Thank ye."

"Where are ye.going?" Mary asks as he starts to stand.

"Ah Mary love. Sorry to have woken you."

"Where are.you going?" 

"Ahhh...weel that was.Mrs Fitz. It.seems that Claire has had a hard night and needs.."

"You, she needs.ye! She is surrounded by professionals yet needs you?"

"It seems so. I won't be long." He turns to kiss her and gets her cheek as she turns. He is to focused to notice the rebuke. 

"He is on his way." Mrs Fitz assures Claire.

"Thank you. Thank you so much


	7. Way to Close

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conflicted Jamie comforts Claire

He arrives and slips through the silent halls and upstairs to the second floor. Mrs Fitz meets him at the top to direct him to Claire's room. But, even if she wasn't there, he would have known the way to go from her gentle sobbing.

"We tried medicating her. It is the DT's, ye ken? I wouldn't have disturbed ye and Mary if we could have settled her."

"It is okay Mrs Fitz. Ye did right." He moves swiftly towards the door that Claire weeps behind. They enter and see Claire curled in a ball on the bed. Her whole body shakes with the force of her sobs. Jamie moves towards her. "It is alright lass. I willna let the monsters get ye." He places his hand on her back and she immediately relaxes. 

"Jamie. Oh thank God." She throws her arms around him and all he can do is catch her.

"Shhhh, tell me about them." He sits on the edge of the bed and holds her to his side as she does.

"They went away for awhile as the Scottish nurse promised but, when they came back," she shudders violently and he hugs her closer," they came back as dark presences. Like a real life representation of the demons I am battling. I didn't know what to do. I tried to make them go away but all I could think of was you. I just knew you would make them go away."

"Are they gone now Claire?"

"They are. As soon as you touched me, they left."

"Good." He can't resist pulling her closer and she slips on to his lap before he knows what is happening. He looks around for Mrs Fitz but she had slipped out to attend to others while he was with Claire. Oh Jesus! She is way to close. And he is enjoying her presence on his lap way to much. He needs her to move but, she has completely relaxed. And.that is what he is here for. That is how he justifies it.

"Claire, I want to," no Fraser, don't say what ye are really thinking," I wish to help you keep the demons away until the worst is over with. How can I?"

"If, I know it is a lot to ask, but if you can hold my hand as I fall asleep. I believe that will help."

"I can do that." And how will you explain that to Mary, a voice in his head inquires. Well, she needs his help.

"Thank you."

"Do you think.ye can sleep now lass?"

"Will you stay until I am asleep?"

"Aye." He gently removes her from his lap and lays her back down. He tucks her in and takes her hand. He talks telling her about growing up in the Scottish Highlands as she slowly drifts off. He stays until she is sleeping peacefully.

"Oh Claire. What am I to do?" He whispers as he kisses her forehead before slipping out and returning to Mary.


	8. Very Bad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie tries to explain the situation to Mary

Mary is up and dressed when he returns. She says not a word as she pours coffee for herself and sits at the table. She doesn't offer him any and he knows it is bad. He pours his own and joins her.

"Mary, she needs me. Her DT's are quite bad and the meds are not helping." She sits and sips in silence. Real bad. "I brought her there and she is trying. Don't I have a duty to help her?"

"Yer first duty is to me. To leave our bed in the middle of the night to rush to another woman! How do ye think that made me feel?"

"I am verra sorry Mary. It wilna happen again."

"So, ye are letting the professional's handle it? Good."

"Weel, I wilna be leaving in the dead of night."

"What do ye mean?" She stares at him across the table and he drops his eyes.

"This will be just until she is stabilized. No' forever."

"What will be?"

"Ahhhh----she sleeps better, without the nightmares, ye ken, if.."

"If?"

"If I am there beside her."

"So, ye think ye are going to tuck her in at night, like a just weaned bairn? Is that what ye are thinking of doing, James Fraser?"

"Listen Mary," he reaches for her hands and she jerks them away," It is either that or risk another night like last."

"Oh no! There is another option. Ye can let those yer parents hired to deal with such, do their bloody jobs!"

"Mary, I couldn't help Willie. I dinna see. How can I soil his memory by pretending not to see what Claire needs, temporarily needs?"

"Oh bugger Jamie! I hate this. I really loath it, but, for Willie. She is just someone ye are trying to help right? There is naught else between ye two?"

"Mary, I am with ye. I love ye." Not a complete answer and he prays she wilna press.

"Right. Temporary. If it goes on to long, we will be revisting this."

"Tis a fair deal. I must be ready for work."

"Me too." Mary works as head housekeeper at the local hospital. It was how they had meet. "I do trust ye Jamie. It is just ye have ne' gotten so involved with one of yer patients before."

"She needs help. I canna explain it better then that." He kens there is something else but, is unwilling to explore it.


	9. Battles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie helps Claire battle her DT's while battling his own feelings.

He leaves the home he shares with Mary at nine that night. She still isn't happy but is trying to understand. If she knew, but no! Just mates. Just a lass that needs his help, he firmly tells himself.

He hears her before he sees her. He screams of terror go straight through him. He sprints to her room. He finds Dougal and a couple of the nurses struggling with her.

"I will hold her. Ye lasses get her strapped down." Dougal says as he struggles to hold a thrashing Claire down.

"Don't ye dare!" Jamie shouts out. His cry stills all in the room except Claire.

"We must strap her down Jamie. She has tried to stratch her own eyes out." One of the nurses explains.

"Let me try calming her. If I can't then you can."

"Okay lad but, she is having a rough night." Dougal warns. He holds her until Jamie gets to her. He takes her hand.

"Claire, lass. It is Jamie. You are safe. You are safe." He softly says. To the shock of Dougal and the nurses, she relaxes, her frantic movements still.

"We need to bottle that touch and voice for the other DT patients." One of the nurses says.

"I doubt it would work with the others." The other replies.

Jamie pays no attention to them distracted by the scratch under her left eye. "Was this stratch treated?" He asks.

"No."

"And why not?" He demands.

"If we treated every scratch a DT patient gives themself, we would get naught else done."

"This is by her eye. Bring me stuff to disinfect it and then you can get back to work."

"As you say." They walk out gossiping about Miss Beauchamp's special treatment

"Ye need to be careful nephew." Dougal offers.

"What?" He was inspecting the rest of her face for injury.

"Ye dinna want it getting back to Mary about the attention ye are showing the lass."

"Mary kens I am here and why." He had found another scratch by her lips. Christ her lips!

"As ye say nephew. Just be careful." And he slips out.

"Claire, are ye better lass?"

"Yes. As soon as I felt your touch. I am sorry to cause you trouble." The nurse had returned with cotten, tape, and water and antibodic ointment. He gently starts to clean the scrap by her eye.

"Ye ain't lass. They should have done this."

"Not what I meant. With your Mary."

"Ahhh," he dabs a bit of the ointment on it. "No worries lass. She understands."

"Does she?"

"Aye. Be still for a moment Claire." He places a square of the cotton gauze over the now clean scrap. He tapes it in place. Maybe a bit of overkill. But, it is near her eye.

"I ask because I don't. The care you have taken with me. How your touch drives the monsters away. I don't get it Jamie. It isn't usual. This. What is between us?"

He has no answer for her. No, it wasn't usual. It was very different. The pull between them. His need to be near her. To help. Her response. Not at all usual. "Let me clean this one too. Was it the bugs?"

"Yes. They were trying to get in my mouth and eyes. I know they aren't real but I don't. Not in the midst of the worse of it."

"I know. Be still one moment." She is allowing him to clean the scrap the ends at her lip. God help him. He gets it cleaned and bandaged.

"You know because you have seen this?"

"Aye. Seen tons of it."

"Ever had someone calm under uour touch?" She can't let it go.

"No."

"What does it mean?"

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I don't know."


	10. I Don't Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An important conversation is had.

"You don't know either?"

"No lass. I have tried to help a lot of people in your situation since Willy died. But," he swallows hard and looks down at his hands," none have I felt so drawn to help. So drawn to period."

"It isn't just me then."

"No, but it is wrong. So wrong. I've Mary. And she doesn't deserve this."

"We haven't done anything Jamie."

"Not yet," he didn't mean to say it aloud and the tip of his ears turn red when he realizes he has.

"If, if this is to hard Jamie, to much, then you don't have to come. I will.."

"Suffer. You would suffer. No lass, I keep my word. I will be here until the worst is over."

"But," she can't resist touching him and lays her hand on his still bent head," but I don't want to cause trouble between you and Mary."

"Thank you but.. ," he sighs and looks up causing her hand to slip down. He takes it in his and studies it as he finishes," but, I fear it is to late. I must keep the depths of this from her." His laugh is bitter," I would say it is to spare her feelings. Does that make me a cheater?" He looks up to meet her eyes.

"I....don't..no, that is a lie. Honesty is important here, I think." He nods. "And honestly it does. At least emotionally."

"Damn."

"Yah," she closes her eyes as his hands massage hers. She feels alive in places she forgot existed. But, another woman's man was the one awkening her. Damn indeed.

He continues the massage down her arm, pulling tension out of her body while causing it to grow on other parts. He stops just short of her shoulder. "Turn over Claire and I will get your back."

She does and soon feels those huge hands on her back. He kneeds and rubs and she feels muscles loosen she forgot she had. She starts to humm and then moan as he continues down.

Jamie closes his eyes and tries manly to kerp his hands and mind from wondering. But her moans! He can't help but wonder what wee noises she makes when she cums. Christ! He presses his hands on her lower back and she arches. It is all he can stand. He removes his hands.

"That help ye relax Claire?"

"Oh yes."

"Can ye sleep now?"

"Yes. Thanks Jamie. You should return to Mary now." Her voice can't hold steady and she turns away at the end.

"Aye," but he knows he can't return to her in this state. He strokes her hair off her forehead and plants a kiss there. "Good night Claire."

"Good night Jamie."


	11. Caught!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie confesses to Murtagh. But he is overheard. Oops.

Jamie knows he can't go straight home. He must work this out in his head first. Or try to. He needs to talk with someone and only one person can he trust with all that is on his heart, his Godfather Murtagh. He calls him as soon as he leaves Lallybroch.

They meet at a local pub. He needs both advice and a good drink. 

"What is it lad. Ye look verra stressed."

"I am."

"Is it Mary?" He asks as he waves the bartender over and orders whisky.

"In a way. Not that she has done anything. Christ," he runs his hands through his hair causing it to stand straight up. "That makes it so much worse."

"Jamie, I need ye to start at the beginning."

"Aye sorry. Weel Rupert and I picked up a very drunk lady from her neighbor's yard....I took her there because she asked for help. It should've ended there....They called me because she was asking for me...I had to agree to help her...And now I fear, no honestly, I know I am falling in love with her. Falling hard. I didn't mean too. And.now I have no idea what to do."

"In love? But what of Mary?"

"I love her too, of course."

"Of course, It seems to me that one of two things is happening here. Either it be just lust for this Claire or."

"Tis not just lust."

"Or," he gives his Godson a severe look for interrupting," or it is real love with Claire and it wasn't with Mary."

"Damn."

"Just so. And ye say it isn't lust so.."

"It isn't. Tis a heart pull, a magnetic attraction. And we both feel it."

"Then ye ken what we must do."

"Aye, break a good woman's heart."

"I am sorry lad." Murtagh pats his shoulder. Neither are aware Mary's best friend, Eloise, has heard every word. And has already stormed out to tell her best friend that her man is in love with another.

"Weel I best be off to do it. Delay will not help."

"Aye. I will be about if ye need me."

"Thank ye."

They hug and pat each others backs and Jamie leaves.

"Poor lad." Murtagh thinks as he watches him go.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"Mary," he tentatively calls out as he enters the house.

"How could ye James Fraser!" She calls out before he sees her. When she comes into view, he can tell she has been crying. "Ye love her? Then what am I, just a substitute until ye can have her? Something to stick yer cock in because ye can't have her?"

"What?" He is under attack and hadn't said a word yet.

"Eloise heard ye and Murtagh talking. She, being a good and true friend, came right over to tell me."

"I was coming to tell ye myself."

"Sure ye were. Why dinna I believe that."

"It is the truth and if yer gossipy mate would have stuck around, she would have heard me tell Murtagh thus."

"Oh does it matter! Is it the truth?"

"Which part? No, ye are not a substitute. I do love ye Mary and have not once slept with ye in place of Claire or anyone. But," oh Mother Mary, was this hard," but, I do have strong feelings for Claire. Feelings I neither seeked nor wanted. Feelings I have been fighting."

"Been fighting! So, when ye told me it was just about helping her."

"It was the truth or, the truth I wanted it to be."

"The.truth ye wanted it to be! Ye bloody bastard!"

"I am so sorry Mary."

"I am going to stay with Eloise. When/ if ye figure out who ye want, let me know." She grabs the bag he hadn't seen packed beside her and slammed out. Leaving a heartsick Jamie behind.


	12. Confession and a Miracle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie confesses his feelings to Claire. Will she feel the same?

He keeps his appointment with Claire. What else is there to do, after all? He had a sleepless night and an unproductive day. All he can do now is talk to Claire. Really talk to Claire. Tell her how he feels and, oh Lord please, she if she feels the same.

"Jamie, you look rougher then I feel. And that is saying something."

"Aye. It was a rough night and rough day."

"What happened?" Her fingers itch to touch him. She clinges them on the bed clothes reminding herself that he belongs to another.

"Weel, that is what I need to talk with you about. What I should have already talked with you about actually."

"Okay." She sits up and fully focuses on him. Her heart beats faster. She fears he is putting an end to this arrangement. And that thought hurts for several reasons.

"Weel, okay, ahhhh, Jesus how to do this."

"If you need to stop doing this, I understand. You needn't torture yourself."

"Stop no that isn't it." And she let her breath out. He smiles when he sees that. "I got in a fight with Mary. Weel, I guess it was more then a fight. We, ahhh, split up."

"Why?"

"She found out how I feel about you."

"How you feel about me?"

"Aye, I ahhhh, have verra strong feelings for you. O' Dhai, I am dancing around it. I guess it is fear. Fear ye don't feel the same. I dinna ken how it happened. I thought...but must not have."

"Jamie, what are you trying to say?"

"I love you Claire. I thought I ken'd what love was. I thought I loved Mary. And, I did but, not like I love ye. Not even close."

"Oh."

"How?" He blushes and looks down.

"That is what it is. This pull. They way your presence calms me and my demons. It is love, isn't it?"

"Aye." He looks up and meets her eyes. "So ye?"

"I do. I sure wasn't looking for it. Not expecting it, but, yes. I love you Jamie. I really do." And he lets out the breath he had been holding. "Now what?"

"We get ye well and then.."

"And then?" There is suddenly not enough air. She feels the breath leave her lungs as she reaches up to touch his face. He touches hers at the same time and bends down. He licks his lips and...

He licks his lips and says, "I would veera much like to kiss ye, Claire. May I?" 

"Yes Jamie." She raises up to meet him.

Their hands both tighten as their lips touch. Lips, teeth, tongues. Hands leave faces and find hair. Jamie's tangles in the thickness of her curles at her neck. Claire's pulls his man bun loose, freeing his riotous red locks. Their tongues tangle as they moan into each others mouths. He lays her back and hovers over her. Her hands travel down his back, pulling at his shirt, desperate for skin. 

His lips leave hers and find her cheek, her ear. She moans out his name as he licks her ear lobe. His hand traces her neck and then down, skimming the top of her hospital johnny.

"Please. God Jamie, please." He wants her. Oh, he wants her. But, he recalls where they are. He pulls up with a groan she echoes. "But. ?"

"We canna here." His tone full of frustrated longing.

"Shit!"

"I ken." 

"Then take me away from here. I am better."

"Oh Claire, I would love too. Really. But, you are still having bad DT's. And are probably still working the first step. I love you to much to mess with yer recovery."

"You are right," she replies with a sigh. "We can wait."

"Will you, can you hold me until I fall asleep?"

"Aye," he slips on to the tiny bed beside her. She faces him and wraps her body to his. She feels how turned on he is and tries to put some distance between them. "No, stay please. I can handle it."

She rest his head on his chest. "It is a miracle, you know, this love. I sure didn't seek it out. After, well...I didn't want to ever fall in love again. But, I know I am safe with you."

"Ye are." He strokes her hair and holds her close. "And always will be. I will always be here to calm yer demons. Whatever form they take."

"God, I love you."

"And I ye. Lay yer heid Claire. I have ye." She falls asleep to the beat of his heart. He to her soft breaths.


	13. A Wake Up Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire wakes Jamie in a bit of a NSFW way.

Claire wakes up sometime in the early morning to the sweet feel of Jamie across her length. All of Jamie. They face each other and his pelvis lines up with hers. She groans a bit at the feel of his cock against her, his very erect penis. She wiggles against him and he pulls her tighter.

"Claire," he moans in his sleep and her already thrubbing heart speeds up and she gets wetter. No, they can't make love but, maybe there is something she can do to help him. She puts a bit of distance between their crotches so her hand can reach between them. He wears sweats and, as she discovers when she slips her hand inside, no underwear. A true Scot. She sighs as she feels just how big and erect he is. She starts to move her hand slowly up and down. Jamie gasps and starts to move his hips to her rhythm. Claire moans herself and moves her hand down between her own legs under the waistband of her pants and under her knickers. She starts to stroke herself as she strokes him. The smell of their mingled desire has her whimbering as her moving hands speed up. 

She is close and knows he is too. Her hand on him drifts down an caresses his testes before moving back up. Her hand on her focuses on her clit. 

"Oh," she groans as she starts to climax just as she feels Jamie do the same. Both of her hands are soon covered in the fluid of their orgasms.

"Claire?" His voice awakened and awed.

"Sorry. I just had to."

"Dinna apologize Claire. Ye can wake me up like that anytime."


	14. Confrontation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary confronts Claire.

Later that day finds Claire sitting outside, her face towards the sun. It is between classes and groups and she is taking advantage of a rare sunny day. Her private meditation is interrupted by a female Scottish voice.

"Are ye Claire?" She opens her eyes to a lady with her brown hair pulled back in a horse tail. She is short and pretty but, quite obviously, furious.

"I am. I am afraid you have me at a disadvantage."

"A disadvantage. Listen to ye with yer proper English talk. Ye wish to ken my name?"

"Well, you know mine." She has stood up, unsure what is coming but, wanting to be prepared for anything.

"Aye, I ken yers because my man canna keep yer name out of his mouth. Hasn't been able to since he meet ye. My ex-nan I should say."

"Mary?"

"Aye, he has mentioned me. That is something."

"He didn't. We didn't mean to.."

"Screw me over? Do ye ken he had talked about proposing to me before ye got yer hooks into him? Yer a home-wrecking bitch, so ye are!"

"I didn't know that. I am truly sorry Mary. It is just, we fell in love."

"Love? He loved me! Me, until yer English arse stole him away. Weel I ain't just letting him go, ye best believe that! I will be Mrs Fraser! Me. Not ye." The sound of her shouts carried across the yard and drew Dougal and Mrs Fitz. They came at a run.

"I...I didn't mean."

"Didn't mean? Right. Weel ye will be releasing the hold ye have on him, and right quick!" 

"Mary, what in the name of heaven are ye doing here?" Mrs Fitz asks as she comes to a breathless srop beside Dougal.

"She stole my man!"

"We have heard that Jamie has been spending a lot of time here. But, that is something ye must work out with the lad." Mrs Fitz lectures. "Ye can't come here and verbally attack Claire."

"Can't I? He loves her. Told me so. And all she says is she is sorry. That they didn't mean to.

"Nevertheless lass, we canna have ye causing a disturbance. Ye must go." Dougal firmly takes her arm and turns her around. "This ain't over." She calls over her shoulder.

"So, ye and the lad have got close?" 

"Yes, I don't know how or why. I wasn't seeking it nor was he. He didn't mean to hurt her."

"I ken Claire. I have ken'd Jamie since he was a wean and he wouldn't set out to deliberately hurt anyone. Since he fell in love with ye, he will do as right as he can for both of ye."

Claire bites her lip and shivers, as the adrenaline dump from the unexpected encounter fills her bloodstream. Mrs Fitz sees and leads her back to her chair. "Dinna flash luv. It will work out. I will bring ye some hot tea." She nods but deep inside, worries. Now that she has been confronted with the woman she had replaced, she was real to her. And they were close to an engagment. Oh lawd!


	15. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie talk over Mary's visit.

Mrs Fitz sees the lass settled in her next group and then calls Jamie. She catches him in the rig. Ha and Rupert awaiting their next call.

"I dinna mean to disturb ye at work."

"It is okay. Rupert and I aren't busy. What is it?" His heart started pounding louder as soon as he saw Mrs Fitz name. For her to call this time of the day meant trouble. Claire! his heart cries as he waits for her to speak.

"Claire had a visitor today."

"It wasn't her bastard ex, was it?"

"No lad. Twas yers."

"Mary!"

"Just so. Dougal and I interrupted and difussed quite a strong argument between them.Dougal escorted Mary away and I looked after Claire. Jamie, it would be a mite easier to do my job if I ken all the particulars. Like that ye left Mary for Claire." She gently scolds. Jamie processes none of it.

"Where is Claire now?"

"In group. No worries lad, she is okay. But, had I ken'd."

"I am sorry. I never anticipated that Mary would show up there. Claire and I just.." He flushes recalling her wake-up call this morning. "I love her. I adore her Mrs Fitz. It wasn't planned. I was happy with Mary, or thought I was."

"I ken Jamie. Ye canna control yer heart."

"No. She is okay, truly?"

"She is."

"I will be by as soon as I am off."

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Claire tries to focus on what is being discussed. She really does. She knows these groups are help keep her sober. But..her mind keeps replaying what Mary had said.

"He was going to propose. I am to be Mrs Fraser. Ye are a home wreaker!"

If she isn't lying, then how? What is it between them that broke up a happy home?

Later, she curles up on the chair in her room. Her glance is distant, a thousand miles away. She sees him again. Her bloody ex and her bloddy ex-friend. Sees them tangled in bed together. And then sees Mary's face as she declares how in-love they had been followed by the vision of her hand wrapped around Jamie's penis. "Oh sweet Mother, am I a cheater too? Did I do to Mary what they did to me?" She whispers. She wraps the plaid around her tighter and silently weeps.

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Jamie heads straight to Lallybroch after his shift. He is torn between rage for Mary and deep concern for Claire. Rupert had called him a fool.

"Ye ken naught about the lass accept she be a drunk. Ye have ken'd Mary for years."

"I love her Rupert. It is like she was made just for me and I for her."

"And Mary, ye loved her to."

"I still do but, just not the same way." He just shook his head at him. He wished he had the words to explain to his cousin just what it was between him and Claire.

He goes straight to her room. She still seats on the chair facing the window. He walks over and lays his hand on her shoulder. She jumps. "Sorry Claire. I dinna mean to startle ye."

"Mary came by."

"I ken. Mrs Fritz rang me. Are ye okay? She dinna harm ye?" He tries to get a good look at her but she is still wrapped tight in the plaid.

"Not physically. Jamie, were you going to propose?" His face grows still and he looks down. "So, she wasn't lying."

"Twas before we meet."

"Right but..she called me a home-wreaker. And, I have been sitting here thinking. Thinking about what my ex did with my best friend. And wondering if I am just as bad as them."

"No! Ye ain't."

"Right. Well, I guess we haven't slept together but.."

"Listen to me lass." He kneels before her chair. "Yer ex ken'd exactly what he was doing as did the lass. Neither of us intended to fall in love. We dinna set out to hurt Mary. I did think I loved her. But, I dinna ken what love was until I meet ye, until I looked in yer eyes."

Claire bites her lips and looks down. "I just feel so guilty." 

"Ye need not. I should. I do to a certain extent. But, not for loving ye but for hurting her in the process. But, ye Claire, there is naught for ye to feel guilty about."

"Oh Jamie. Hold me please." He takes the seat and she snuggles into his lap. He wraps the plaid around them both. "I love you. I really do. I will try not to feel guilty."

"Good Claire." He holds her close and vowes to have a strict talk with Mary, and soon.


	16. Confrontation with Mary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie confronts Mary.

He holds her close all night. He catnaps but never falls into a full sleep. His mind is in turmoil. Is he deserving of the happiness he finds in her arms? He has badly hurt a good woman. Whether he meet to or night, doesn't matter? Can he blame her for lashing out? Really. No, but she needs to deal with him. Not the fragile lady he holds in his arms. He determines to talk to her tomorrow before his shift starts.

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He goes to their old house as soon as Claire gets up and heads to her first group. He still has stuff there and needs to find tome to get it but, today is about making sure Claire is protected.

"Weel, are ye here to get the rest of yer things. I've got them all gathered up." She greets him with her hands on her hips. She is still in her pj's and pulls the robe tighter. It is strange and sad. He had been sharing her bed until a few weeks ago.

"No, I have to be at work in an hour. Murtagh and I will try to come get it tonight."

"Try? Oh, of course ye have to run off to see her!"

"She is the reason I am here. I heard ye paid her a visit yesterday."

"I did. I wanted her to ken what she did. That ye were mine. That I was meant to be Mrs Fraser." She informs him moving closer, she touches his hand. He jerks away and glares at her.

"I did ye wrong. Me! Not Claire. Ye had no call to go and upset her recovery!"

"No call. Christ Jamie! We were almost engaged. Ye had just told me so on our anniversary, dinna ye recall?"

"I do. That is why I said I did ye wrong. But bloody hell, I dinna mean to fall in love. To fall so deep I canna see anyone else. I dinna mean too. I dinna seek it. Christ Mary, I was happy with ye. I was. But, it is so different with Claire. Like a pull. A pull I tried to fight. I did."

"A pull! So ye wish to screw her, is that it!"

"No! It goes way beyond that type of pull. Her heart calls to mine. Her soul calls to mine. I canna explain it better than that." She huffs and turns away. "If ye need to yell and scream at anyone, come to me. Claire is not yet strong enough to take it."

"Aye, must protect fragile Claire. No worries about Mary, yer almost fiancee'."

"Mary, I did care. I do care. But, I canna fix this. I canna go back to how it was. I canna pretend that I don't love her. I canna pretend."

"Just go. Please." Her voice breaks at the end. Jamie starts to reach for her and then drops his hand and walks out.


	17. Serenity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire struggles with the things she cannot change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.

Claire stands in the room in which she and the other alcoholics meet for AA and stares at the poster. It depicts the infamous, God grant me the Courage, poem. She is thinking of those things she can’t change. Like falling head-over-feet in love with Jamie. And he with her. About how that had hurt Mary. None intentional. None meaning to harm. But did. How much responsibility did she carry? What did she owe Mary? She, after all, was innocent in all this. Jamie said none. That any guilt was his. But was that true? She sighs and turns toward the door as the other ladies start to file in.

“Any of you ladies have anything specific you would like to discuss?” Ann, the facilitator, asks. Claire slowly stands. What better place to discuss what is happening then here. 

“Hi. I am Claire and I am an alcoholic.”

“Hi Claire,” echoes back.

“I have been clean for two weeks and four days. And I am feeling guilty. I have fallen in love, you see. But, he had a girlfriend, a serious one, before me. Neither of us meant it to happen. We never set out to hurt her. But, we have. It has been since I have been sober, but, we meet while I was drunk. So, I am not sure if it falls under the, make amends to all persons harmed, step. And, I am far from that anyway. But, still feel guilty.”

“For your feeling or, for how they have hurt this girl?” One of the other ladies asks.

“For how they have hurt her. The love, well it is the purest thing I have ever felt.” A soft ‘ahhhh’ went through the room and Ann sighs.

“Claire, you know we don’t recommend that you don’t get involved in any relationship during your first sober year, right?”.

“I do.”

“Is this gentleman fully clean himsef? If you meet him whilst drunk?”

“Oh he is. He picked me up out of my neighbor’s yard. He was one of the paramedics.”

Ann nods.as does half the room. The phrases 'hero complex’ and 'damsel in distress’ float through the air. “Be careful Claire. It is easy to replace.one addiction with another.” Ann says.

Later, she sits back in the sitting room. She stares at the jigsaw puzzle in front of her. She means to be working on it. A way to clear her mind. But, it keeps drifting to what Ann and the others had said. Does she have a hero complex for Jamie? Was that all it was? Was she just a damsel in distress? Did they break-up a hapoy home for nothing?

“Weel, ye seem miles away Claire.” His voice jerks her head up and around. “Is the puzzle that involving?”

“No, in fact, it isn’t. I was trying to use it to clear my head. But, it didn’t work.”

“Hmmm, something on yer mind?”

“Yes.” She stands up,“ let’s go for a walk.”

They walk the grounds in silence for awhile. When they reach the small meditation garden, Claire stops and takes a seat on the bench and Jamie joins her.

“I—ahhh—fear that this thing between us be nothing more than a hero complex on my part and a damsel in distress reaction on yours.” She softly says looking at her hands. He starts to speak and she stops him. “And if it is, then we have broke-up your happy home for nothing.”

“Ye couldn’t be more wrong.” He takes one of the hands she is messing with and holds it to his heart. “I’ve veen a paramedic for ten years. In that time I’ve seen women who have been beating, raped, almost killed. One girl was naught but ten and eight. Pregnant and had been beating so bad she was put in ICU. I keep taps wishing, Ye see, to make sure her and the baitn made it. She was placed in a shelter after she was released. I was single at that time. I went to the hospital after her child, a wee lassie, was born. If anyone could have used a knight in shiny armour, it would have been her. She and the bairn were completely innocent. But, all I felt for them was human compassion. Ye,” he brings her hand up and kisses each of her fingers,“ ye did this to yerself. Yer ex helped but twas yer decision to start drinking. Yers. And to keep doing it. Ye are no damsel in distress. I feel deeply and irreconcilably in love with ye despite yer situation. Not because of it.”

“Ohhh. That makes sense. Ot is just so hard to understand why you would choose to love me.”

“Twasn’t a choice Claire. Tis the point. I would have chose to stay with Mary. But, I didn’t choose, God did. Fate did. Something or someone beyond me, beyond us brought us together. And, all we can do is accept the gift.”

“I accept it gratefully. I just pray you never have cause to regret it.”

“Me too Claire. Me too.”


	18. Occupation and House sitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They discuss Claire's work and she asks him a favor..

"I have to get back to work." Claire says. They sit in her room on the chair that faces out into the large yard. She sits on his lap.

"I ken yer concern but, ye need more time here. Yer recovery needs to be yer priority."

"I know, it is just the shop is all I ever wanted, up to this point."

"And now." He snuggles into her neck and she sighs before answering.

"To be sober and healthy and you. In that order."

"Good. So, that means the herbal medicine shop will have to stay closed a bit longer."

"I know. I just hope all my customers don't leave me."

"They won't."

"And how to you know.

"I ken because of what ye told me. Tis more then a business ye have Claire. Tis a practice. Ye practice healing. They will await ye to be well."

"Thank you Jamie. Was just what I needed to hear." She had a sign placed on the door of Beauchamp's Herbal Medicine Shoppe, that said ' closed due to family illness'. Her assistant had placed it. He was learning the old healing arts and what herb treated what but, not yet enough to run the shop.

"I will always be honest with ye Claire. I believe there is room for secrets in a relationship but, no lies."

"I believe the same. Jamie, I have been thinking. Are you happy at Rupert's?"

"Happy? Weel no. He disapproves of us and is not afraid to share his opinions. But, I am looking for another place."

"I may be able to help with that."

"Ohhh."

She turns on his lap to face him. "Yes. My house sits empty. My plants unwatered. My tables undusted. My bed unslept in. Well, you need a place and it needs a person."

"Ye are inviting me to live in yer house?"

"Yes, to housesit while I am here. After, well we can see."

"I am not sure Claire."

"Please, you would be doing me a favor. I need someone to do more then water plants and dust. I need someone to remove all the alcohol. I have it hidden everywhere. If you could go through and find and dispose of it; it would really help a lot."

"Aye mo' Ghariad. I can and will."

"Thank you. My keys are in my purse. They took it."

"Dinna flash. I will get them. But, right now I just wish to hold ye."


	19. Claire's House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A house sitting Jamie looks for Claire's stash

Jamie turns the key and enters Claire's house. It has the slightly stale air smell of a house that has been shut up awhile. He enters her her front room and looks around. It is dusty but clean otherwise. None of the expected chaos of an alcoholic's domicile. An alcoholic she was but, an high functioning one.

He walks through the room and into the next, the kitchen. There are long dried dishes in the drainer. The flowers in the vase are withered and dead. He throws them away and takes out the trash. He replaces the bag and taking a deep breath, opens the fridge. It isn't as bad as it could be. He finds the crisper bins need emptying. He pours out the wine and beer as well, as some spoiled milk. He washes the whole thing down and then checks the freezer. Nothing is freezer burned but, he finds a suspicious bottle, that when it is unfrozen turns out to be strong whisky. It is also poured down the drain. He checks under the sink and finds more.

He finds some under the bathroom sink and even in the back of the toilet tank. He checks ever one of her shampoo and body wash bottles to make sure they were what they claimed to be. Looked in the medicine cabinet .

Her room is as neat as the rest of the house. Her bed is made in white lace chemise bed spread. Her work desk is neat and organized. Her closet too where he finds more booze hidden among her shoes. He checks every coat, jacket, pants, and shirt pocket for more. He searches the top of her closet shelf. Every empty bag and purse and under her bed. The drawers of her dresser( blushing and fighting an erection as he goes through her bras and knickers). He looks through her nightstand and opens and scans through her file cabinet. He tears apart her perfectly made bed and searchs under ever layer of bedding, under and in the pillows, even, under the mattress.

When he is done, he finds quite a collection of bottles and cans. They are all emptied. He takes a third bag of trash out and then waters the dying plants. He goes through and dusts before taken the used rags into the laundry room. When he goes to start a load, he finds another bottle hidden in the washer. He sighs as he pours it down the laundry sink. 

She had told him that she had it hidden everywhere. He just was now realizing how literal she was being. He is determined to find ever bit of her hidden stash before she returns home.


	20. Did You Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of gossip leads to guilt and Claire taken off.

"Did ye hear?" 

"Hear what?"

"The new girl has an in with the owners here."

"Claire?"

"Aye. She is involved with their son."

"Jamie. He doesn't date patients. I ken, I tried."

"Besides, isn't he with that Mary girl."

"Not anymore. I heard from Ann that she overheard they broke up over Claire."

"Well, no wonder Mrs Fitz treats her so well."

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"Claire?" She sits in her room waiting on the beginning of the day. She hadn't came down for breakfast leaving the other girls free to talk about her. Her somewhat friend, Colleen, comes to tell her what she missed. "Is it true?" She asks after she is done.

"Why does it matter? It is truly none of anyones business."

"True maybe. But, they can make your time miserable here. If they think you are getting special treatment."

"I am not."

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When she goes down to head for class, she notices it. A coolness from the others she has never felt before. A few stop talking when she walks in. Someone else whispers' Yah. That's her."'. She tries to ignore it. To let it bounce of her. Until.

"Yah. I guess she just gets what she wants. You know how those rich b*tches are. Poor Mary. Just a house keeper. Can't compete with that."

And, all the guilt she was trying to let go of came flooding back. She slips away between class and group. She heads into the woods surrounding Lallybroch. No one sees her go.

Jamie arrives a few hours later. He heads straight to her room. He doesn't hear the sly comments that follow him. He finds her room empty.

"Mrs Fritz, where is Claire?" He isn't concerned. Not then. He assumes her last group had ran over.

"I dinna ken. Maybe still in group. Let me see." A few minutes later she returns, looking stressed. "No one has seen her in three hours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will he find her? What will he do?


	21. The Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wondering Claire finds a cave. Will Jamie find her?

"Three hours!" Jamie is incredulous. "Three hours! How can she have been gone for three hours without anyone knowing?"

"Ye ken we only gather the list of who attends meetings and groups at the end of the day. And only confront those who have made it a habit not to attend. These lasses and lads are adults with rights." Mrs Fitz defends herself.

"I ken. I am sorry. It is just.."

"I ken. We will find her. I will notify security." 

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Claire wonders the increasingly thickening woods. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. She needed some distance. Some time to think. But..now she is good and lost and it is getting dark.

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All of Lallybroch is searched. The ladies are all interviewed. Colleen finally admits to Jamie and Dougal what she had overheard and told Claire.

"She was quite chill about it. Said it wasn't true." At Jamie's jerk, she adds," I mean about her not getting special treatment. She didn't say naught about the other." But, his reaction did. 

"Thank ye Colleen."

"Who? Who was saying this?"

"Jamie, lad. That doesn't matter now."

"Doesn't matter! Of course it matters."

"Not as much as finding Claire."

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"What is this, then?" Claire says aloud as she stumbles on an opening in the rocks. "A cave? Is it a cave? And is it safe?" She approaches with caution. Who knows what could be using the cave as a home. But, it is starting to rain. And no light mist. She must get under shelter. 

She enters and shines the torch of her phone around. She is getting no signal or she would have called Jamie. But, the torch works.

Jamie! What must he be thinking? He must know she is missing by now. She didn't intend to be. She meant to just clear her head and go back. Not to get lost and end up in a , thankfully empty, cave.

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"I am going to go look for her." Jamie informs Dougal, Mrs Fitz, and the others.

"And where would you start?" Dougal asks.

"The woods. She not knowing this area can easily get lost in them. I know them. If she is out there, I will find her."

"Go with God." Mrs Fitz, who has ken'd Jamie since he was a wean, ken's not to argue with him.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"At least it is dry." Claire thinks as she looks around. Some markings on the wall get her attention. The adopted daughter/ niece of an archeologist, anything like that gets her attention. Tally marks. Interesting. Someone else spend sometime here. Quite a lot of time.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"Claire! Claire!" He had started calling for her as soon as he entered the woods. "Claire hun. Are ye out here?"

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"A year. A bit over a year, if I am reading the tally marks correctly. What did you do to have to hide out for a year?"

"Claire!" She jerks away from the wall with it's mystery at the the sound of her name. The sound of Jamie's voice.

"Jamie!" She runs back to the entrance of the cave." I am here."

He turns to her. His face is immediately transformed. Losing it's stressed, haggard appereance. "Claire. Oh, thank Christ." They run toward each other. He sweeps her up and holds her tight. She feels him shiver from the cold and pure emotion.

"You are soaked. Come. The cave is dry." He carries her inside, lath to let her go. He looks around.

"Ye found Dun Bonnet's cave."

"Who?"


	22. The Dun Bonnet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie shares a story and they share a moment.

"He is a legendary character. It was after the failed Jacobite uprising. The second one."

"With Bonnie Prince Charlie and all that?"

"Just so. Weel all suspected Jacobite leaders were being rounded up to be executed. So, the Dun Bonnet, so named because of the brown hat he wore to cover his flaming red hair, hid out here. For an unknown period of time."

"A bit over a year."

"And how would you..?"

"Come see." She leads him to the tally marks. 

"Weel, just so. A bit over a year."

"What became of him? Was he captured?"

"No, he gave himself up. His family needed the reward money that was offered for him. Times were verra hard after the 47'. So, he arranged for his sister to turn him in."

"He gave his life for them!"

"Nae, just his freedom. By then auld Jacobites were just imprisoned."

"Oh. It is still a romantic story. How do you know so much about it?"

"He was a Fraser. Lived in Lallybroch before. I am named after him."

"Seriously."

"Aye. He was the orginal James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser."

"Wow!"

"Aye. Are ye ready to return?"

"No. I need more time. There were some things said."

"I ken. Colleen told me. I am sorry Sassanech. I dinna think."

"Love ain't no thinking thing." 

He grins. "It truly isn't. But, I am sorry our relationship has caused ye stress."

"Stress comes from them.i had to get away. Get some distance to see that. Whether it is jealousy or something else, it is their issue not mine."

"Good for ye. But, dinna ever do this again! I was frantic."

"I am sorry. I intended to be back. But, I got lost."

"I feared as much." He sits down and draws her into his lap. She shivers from his cold skin and nearness. "If I lost ye, O' Dhai Claire, I dinna ken what I would do."

"You won't lose me. But, I may you if I don't get you out of those wet clothes."

"An excuse to get me naked," he teases. And, they both seem to realize at the same time. They are alone. Away from the facility.

"Do I need one?" Her breathing is heavier and the question comes out full of the desire that runs through her blood.

"God no." He lowers them to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will they?


	23. A Fire iis Started.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fire is started in more ways then one.   
> NSFW

"We need a fire." Jamie says after he has kissed her almost senseless.

"You have already started one." She tries to pull her back on top of her.

"I ken. But, before any clothing is removed, I need to get some heat in here.

"Ugggg," She knows he is right but her body is on fire. She needs him and needs him now. To give him time to get a fire started with wet wood," but baby. The wood is wet."

"Oh ye of little faith. I will be right back." 

"You better."

He returns no more than ten minutes later with a armful of dry wood. She has spent the time removing her socks and shoes and unbuttoning her shirt. He stops and stares at her as she does him. 

"Where did you find the wood?"

"Huh?" He shakes his head and tries to come back to himself. She wasn't wearing a bra and in the setting sunlight reflecting in the cave, he can see tantalising glimpses of her bare skin. "Ohh--uh--I ken these woods. Grew-up here. Ye can always find dry wood under downed trees. Under certain types of bushes." He drops the wood on the rocky floor of the cave and starts to arrange it.

"Ahhh smart." He smiles at her and takes a lighter out and lights it. He babies the small flame, bringing it to life. She scuts closer and sighs at the feel of the heat. He moves over to her pulling his wet shirt off. He spreads it on the other side of the fire.

"Hmmm, seems I am a bit overdressed.." She says and slips her shirt off.

"Oh Jesus." He whispers awed at the sight of her.

"I concur." He was beautiful, muscles naturally developed by his job, flickering in the firelight.

"I must touch you." He states reaching a shaky hand out. She pushes forward, meeting him. They both sigh at the first touch. His hand cups her as his fingers come up to stroke her, bringing her nipples even more to life.

"Oh my gawd!" Her head falls back and her eyes drift shout. They snap back open when she feels his hot mouth on her. Her hands drift up. One holds his head in place. The other touches his back. She strokes as he sucks. When he switches sides, he draws her closer, pulling her onto his lap. After a few minutes, he kisses down her stomach, twirling his tongue in her belly button. Her' eeeeehhhhs', are doing strange things to him. He lifts her up and drifts a bit farther down kissing her right in her center over her jeans.

"Oh Jamie!" She gasps out. He moves hwr hands to unsnap them and move them down. Her knickers are white lace with a bow right in front. He places a kiss on it and then moves down just breathing in the scent of her desire for him. She squirms over him and he kens what she needs/ what she wants. But, the anticipation was nice and he was enjoying this. Besides, he recalls what her ex had done. He wants to show her he honors her body, mind, and heart. He brings his nose in a nuzzles her.

"Oh please!" She groans pressing up against him. He grins and slips his tongue out licking across the wetness of her knickers. She starts to shake and he tightens his hands on her thighs steadying her as he gets to real work.

She forgets where she is. She forgets who she is. As he slips her knickers off and starts to eat her in earnest. She has never felt anything like it as his tongue, teeth, and fingers work her towards a massive all-encompassing orgasm. He moves first one finger and then two deep inside her searching and finding her g-spot as his tongue and teeth work her clit. He hands are in a depth grip in his hair. It is the only anchor with reality she has.

When she cums she feels it everywhere. Every nerve in her body was activated as pleasure floods her. She feels it in every tiny hair on her body, in the throbbing, achy points of her nipples, deep in her womb. 

"Better." He asks with a grin.

"How- did-you-learn- to-do -that?"

"My first was French, ye recall?"

"God bless he!" Her hands reach down to undo his pants. They soon have each other undressed. Claire takes him in hand stroking him up and down. It is his turn to make wee noices. But, when she lowers her head to take him in her mouth, he stops her.

"But, don't you want..?"

"Oh I want. But I want to make love to you Claire. And, am so on the edge, that I will cum as soon as yer sweet mouth touches me."

"Ohhh. Okay. Later?"

"Aye," he rolls her on top of him and she guides him into her. He shudders all over as he feels her all around him. And, when she starts to move, O' Dhai, it takes all he has not to cum immediately. He pulls her down and kisses her deeply before drawing her closest nipple back into his mouth. They are both on edge, both so very close but he lets her control the rythmn. Within a few deep strokes, she is clamping around him in another intense orgasm. He takes her hips and the rythmn then. He is soon shuddering, shivering, and jerking under the power of his own finish.


	24. Oops!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions are made and a mistake is realized.

They come back to there surroundings slowly.. She still lays across him. His hands are still on her bum. She looks up and grins. He grins back.

"So, that is what making love is?" 

"Oh aye. I thought I had before. But, I truly hadn't. Not until today. "

"I thought I had too. But, no. I have had sex. But, never made love."

"I hate to say it, but I must get ye back."

"Please no." She sits up and pulls her knees to her chest. "I can't go back. They will see it, on my face, what we just did. The teasing will be merciless."

"Ahhh Claire, but ye still need help."

"I know. I need the groups and classes. I don't deny that. But, do I have to stay the nights. Must I live there? Can't I come in just to go to the meetings and classes. I will go every day. It is control then, you see. The facilitator will keep it under control. But, there is none of that at night."

"I can talk. Can fix that."

"Oh Jamie, can't you see. That would only make it worse."

"I just don't.."

"If I or you see me slip, even the barest amount, I will go right back to impatient, I promise. I just want to be home at night. With you."

"Oh Claire. How can I sesist that. Okay. But group and classes everyday."

"A deal." 

"I need to let Mrs Fitz know ye have been safely found and that ye are moving from in to out patient."

"Yes. The phones have no singnal here or I would have called you."

"I ken. We will get dressed and walk out to my car. Will find a signal along the way."

"Okay." She stands up and stops dead at the feel of semen running down her leg. They had used nothing. Oh my God!

"Claire, are you okay?"

"We are fools Jamie. We didn't use a condom and I am on nothing."


	25. In This Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie discus the possibility of a bairn.

He stops in the process of pulling on his slightly drier shirt. It would be comical under any other circumstance. His shirt on his arms, his mouth hanging open. But, the situation wasn't funny. Not at all.

"Ye aren't..of course..ye weren't haven't for a while."

"Close to eighteen months."

"Right," he pulls his shirt completely on and starts to pace worrying his hair with his hands. "Right. I should've but, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was concerned about finding ye. Not bedding ye."

"I get that. Neither of us was exactly thinking. But, now what?" She is fully dressed and stands up to join him.

"Where are ye in yer cycle?"

She has to think. The last year and a half had been spent in an alcoholic fog. When was her last period? She bites at her lip as she thinks. She can't recall, damn it! How screwed up had she been that she can't recall that?

"I can't...the bloody alcohol..I can't remember Jamie." She confesses.

"It is okay Claire. That Claire is no longer here."

"Right but, this Claire has to figure out how to handle this."

"And this Jamie who ken'd better then to make love to ye without protection. We are in this together."

"Thank you." She takes a step closer and rest her forehead against his."even if it results in a baby?"

"Aye. But there are ways to prevent that."

"I know. But, I can't Jamie. My mum tried, after me, to have another. She got pregnant with my brother when I was four. Lost him a bit shy of five months in. Delivered and held him. I know he was alive. Even though he never drew a breath. I cannot destroy. I just can't."

"Aye, I ken. I am sorry about yer brother."

"Thank you. I am sorry about this. Putting us in this situation."

"Ye didn't do it alone. And, I can't be sorry for making love to ye. Even if the making results in a bairn. Come mo' chaired. Let's get ye home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost a son at almost 5 months into my pregnancy and delivered him, held him and said goodbye. This chapter is dedicated to his memory. RIP Elijah Bruce.


	26. The Waiting is the Hardest Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Claire wait to find out if they are going to be parents.

The waiting is the hardest part. She knows that it is futile to take a pregnancy test until some time is past. It helps, a lot, having Jamie at her home and simply being home at night. He holds her close each night. They make frantic and gentle love. Always with a condom. And they wait.

A week passes with no sigh of her cycle. She knows it means nothing. That more time needs to pass before she can think of taking a test. She goes to groups and meetings daily, working on her recovery while always, in the back of her mind, she wonders. Is their a small human, half her, half Jamie, growing and developing deep inside her?

Week two and all is the same. No sign of either early pregnancy nor her monthly. The nightmares return due to the stress. Jamie holds her tight speaking Gailec over her as she battles her demons. She snaps at one of the ladies at group in the middle of that week and Mrs Fitz calls her into her office.

"Something has changed in ye lass. Do ye need to be back in inpatient?"

"God no!" She quickly says. "No. I am sorry. It is a personal issue. I am sorry for snapping."

"It is okay dear. Anything I can help with? All okay with Jamie?"

"No, but thanks. And yes. He is the best thing in my life right now."

"Tis grand lass. Ye ken my door is always open?"

"I do. Thank you."

Week three and Jamie returns home with an early pregnancy test. "Tis time lass. We can't go on like this."

He is right. It was the unknown that is keeping their nerves on edge. "Thank you Jamie. We will be okay whatever the results, right?"

"Aye Claire. I love ye. That will ne' change." 

She nods as she carries the box into the bathroom. He goes into the kitchen to cook their dinner. He has to keep his hands busy. 

"We will know in three minutes." She tells as she joins him. He nods and continues chopping vegtables for the pasta dish he is preparing. When the alarm she had set on her phone goes off, they both jump.

"Ready?" Her voice is small.

"Aye." He takes his cold hand in his and they walk into the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any guesses? Is she?


	27. Results

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are they going to be parents? Questions and answers all over the place.

"I can't look." She confesses as they enter the loo. 

"I will." But his voice shakes a bit. They hold each others hands tight and Claire turns her head into his shoulder, squeezing her eyes tightly shut. His shaking hand reaches out to pick up the stick. Searching for a positive or negative sign that will change their lives.

"Claire, it is negative. We aren't." His relief makes his voice shaky.

"Are you sure?" She looks wearily up. Until that moment, she hadn't realized how much tension she had been carrying. 

"See for yerself." He hands it to her. The negative sign is clear with no hint of another crossing it. Truly negative. She isn't pregnant!

"Ohhhh, thank God!" She squeals out as the last of the tension leaves her. She almost sags in relief.

"Amen. Ye ken I would have loved the bairn. Would have been a great da. But. "

"It is to soon. Way to soon. Yes. I want, in the proper time. But, now isn't it."

"Nae, it isn't. Not for a bairn." He leads them out of the loo. "Claire, I've something to ask ye?"

"Yes?" She is still floating in a cloud of relief," I will get on the pill or get a diagram. A diagram would be better. Really don't want to use hormones and it shouldn't all be on you." She is babbling in her relief and fails to notice his seriousness. He had sat her on the edge of the sofa and sits beside her.

"That is good Claire but, not what I meant to ask ye."

"Oh sorry. What is it?"

He fumbles pulling something out of his pocket. "Will ye marry me?" He opens the little box to a simple but stunning diamond ring.

"But," she looks from the ring to him and back again," but, I am not pregnant."

"I ken. And were ye, I am not sure I would be asking. At least not yet."

"Huh?"

"I love ye Claire. Ye are meant for me and me for ye. Do ye agree?"

"Yeeesss."

"I dinna buy this ring after the unprotected sex but before. I dinna propose before because I ken'd ye would think it was because I thought I had to. But now, Claire, I want ye to be my wife and I yer husband because I can't see my future without ye in. Nae because I got ye with bairn. Or, could've. I ken it is early. And, we can be engaged as long as we wish. Will ye marry me?" He had slipped to the floor and got on one knee. He still holds the box out.

"Oh Jamie. This is.. I never expected. But.. i can't see my future without you in it either. Yes I will." Tears ran down both their eyes as he slipped her ring on.


	28. Love Forces A Person to Choose.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chooses made. Rupert reacts to the engagment.

"I just don't know." She anxiously says. "It may be better not to wear it there." She twists the engagment ring around her finger.

"If anyone comes after ye about it, I will see them put in their place." He declares.

"That is just it Jamie. I am not worried about me. But you. Your family runs the unit and they already talking about us. For me to show up wearing your ring..."

"I see your point. It is just I am proud of ye. Proud to be yer future husband. I hate that a bunch of gossipy hens will interfering with that."

 

She giggles at his characterize of them. But, she knows she is right. To protect Jamie, she cannot wear her engagement ring in front of them. They pull up in front of Lallybroch and, with a deep sigh, she slips it off her hand. She hands it to Jamie. He holds it and her hand tight for a moment. Their eyes have a whole conversation. With real reluctance, he lets her go. She reaches up and presses a quick kiss to his lips.

"I love you. You can return it to my hand as soon as you pick me up tonight."

"I ken. I love you." He kisses her again, harder then she had kissed him. She slips out and enters the building. Jamie places the ring in his pocket and closes the button securing it and then pulls out.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"I think it is about finding the right person." Claire sits among her peers in one of her small groups.

"You can say that. Dating the owners son." One of the girls says.

"Not a helpful or healing comment, Heather. Go on Claire." Betty, the facilitator, says.

"I know what you all think. That me dating who I am, makes this easier on me. Makes pushing through the self-imposed barriers and the one enacted by others easier. But, it doesn't. It is harder. Because now, I put everything through the filter of, how will this effect me, him."

"It is supposed to only be about you." Gail, one of the other women, comments kindly.

"I know Gail. I do. But love forces a person to choose. And those choices are not always easy."

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

"What is in yer pocket, Jamie? Do ye have a question to ask one of us?" Ross, one of the paramedics Jamie works with, teases. He and his partner Sal, had joined he and Rupert for a quick lunch. 

"Good one Ross." Rupert's eyes examine Jamie like he hadn't just spent the morning with him. When he sees the ring shape in his pocket, his face gets dark.

"Ye ain't really thinking of doing that, are ye Jamie?"

"I already have. She was just smart enough to ken it would be a bad idea to wear the ring into Lallybroch."

"You are engaged. Congratulations!" Sal sings out. Her face is the exact opposite of Ruperts.

"Aye, he is to a drunk." He growls.

"A recovering one. She is doing very good." 

"And ye are not to be judging, Rupert." Ross adds.

"He is my own cousin. I dinna wish to see him hurt."

"And I won't be. She is the best thing that is ever happened to me." Rupert just shakes his head. Jamie shrugs. He can't convince him in words. It will have to be action.


	29. Ross and Rupert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rupert airs his fears to Ross. And we learn a bit about his past.  
> Quite angsty.

"So Jamie, are you going to have a big wedding or keep it simple?" Sal, disregarding Rupert's mood, moves straight to wedding talk.

"I dinna ken. We haven't discussed that yet." A 'hmmpph' from Rupert is ignored. "I just asked her a few days ago."

"Ahh, plenty of time. A long engagement then?"

"Weel, she must get well. Get past the first year." This time Rupert's 'hhmmpph' was louder as he glares at his cousin. Jamie pays him no mind. Ross is studying him though.

"Aye. A smart thing."

"The smart thing would be not to marry an addict in the first place." Rupert can't keep his mouth shut a moment longer. "Maybe they can have the wedding where they meet, on her neighbor's lawn where she was passed out. Such a romantic memory!"

"Rupert!" Jamie calls out.

"Weel, tis true. Will ye deny it?"

"Nae, but she isnna the same person."  
"They never really change!!"

"Come walk with me." Ross calmly says to Rupert. He glares at him but, gets up to follow. Sal shrugs at Jamie. He sighs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What is yer problem?" Ross demanded as soon as they were outside the resturant.

"I dinna wish to see him hurt."

"Ye are hurting him. Can't ye see that? He loves her."

"My mam loved my bastard step-dad too." He replied with a growl. "Until he put her in hospital. Almost killed her, he did. Because of drink. Because he thought drunk excused everything he done up to hospitizing her!"

"I dinna ken. I am sorry."

"She trusted him. Even while he was calling her everything, everything from a f*cking hor' to a bloody b*tch. She loved him, ye ken. Love was meant to cover anything he did or said. The broken wrists. The cracked rib. The black eyes. All excused by the alcohol and love. Until she was in ICU almost dead. It took that for me to convince her that she needed to leave him. And now, ye want me to just sit back and watch as my own cousin marries a drunk. How can ye expect me to do that?"

"Ye really think Claire is going to beat up on Jamie?"

"Nae. But, there are other forms of abuse, isn't there?"

"Aye. But, he is a grown man able to make his own decisions."

"And if he chooses wrong?"

"Then he must live with the consequences." Rupert 'hmmphhhs' at him. "Look, I am not asking ye to be his best man. Just support him. Get to ken Claire. It is a year before they will be married. Ye may find yerself surprised by her. I ken ye have a well-earned distrust of drunks. I do. But not everyr alcoholic will be like yer step-dad. And, she is in recovery. For Jamie," he adds when Rupert gives him a dirty look.

"For the lad. Okay. I will try."

"Good man."


	30. Rupert and Claire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rupert makes an effort

"I wish to see Claire." Rupert tells Jamie when they reenter the rig.

"Are ye out of yer bloody mind! Do ye think I would expose her to yer prejudice?" Jamie looks at like he he wishes to hit him. Sal had tried to sooth him after Ross took Rupert out but, he was still rightly furious.

"Look, ye ken why I feel the way I do. But," he takes a breath expanding his chest," but, Ross allowed me to see that I am hurting you with my prejudice, as you put it. I canna say I will ever feel fully comfortable with your relationship with Claire but, I am willing to try to get to know her for you."

"It is a big step," Jamie lets his shoulders drop as he releases his defensive stance," are ye sure ye are ready for it?"

"For you Jamie. I owe you for your many nights when you calmed my clod-heid down when I wanted to kill that bloody bastard."

"I dinna wish to see my own cousin were he needed to be."

"Aye, but were it not for you, Angus, and Murtagh, I would be. So, I can try to see the good in Claire. I know it must be there or you wouldn't love her."

"Thank you," he hugs the big man and they pat each other's backs before they climb back in the rig and head back to work.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

"Claire, ye have a visitor." Mrs Fitz announces soon after last group. She assumes it is Jamie to take her home. Her face must reflect it because Mrs Fitz adds," Tisn't Jamie. Although he is here. He will take ye home after."

"Who is it then?"

"His cousin and work partner, Rupert."

"Rupert!" Claire recalls him. His distain for her at their first meeting," must I see him?"

"Weel, ye needn't but. "

"But, I would appreciate it if ye did." Jamie steps in the room behind Mrs Fitz.

"Jamie, can't we just go home?" He looks at Mrs Fitz and she smiles at Claire and slips out.

"I ken how ye feel. He isn't a fan of alcoholics. He has good reasons for feeling thus. But, I and a friend, weel, mostly Ross, our friend, have convinced him to try to get to ken ye. I would really like it if ye tried. He is my cousin and we work together."

"For you. Can I please have my ring back. It gives me courage."

"Aye," he slips it back on her finger and then kisses it and her wrist. She relaxes under his caress.

"Does he know?"

"Aye. No worries lass. Ye are one of the most courageous woman I ken and nae the meek and obedient type. Ye are evenly matched with my stubborn cousin. And, I will be right outside the door. I love ye Sorcha."

"I love you Jamie. Okay, bring him in." He squeezes her hand and goes to do it.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

"I hear you don't like me." Claire follows the ' the best offense is a good defense' advice.

"Nae offense lass. I don't like any drunks."

"I've heard. Can you tell my why?"

He nods and does. He tells her all about his step-father and his mam's abuse. "Even in the ICU, she didn't wish to leave him. It took a team with the social worker, the doctor, and Jamie's dad, her brother, and myself, to finally convince her."

"That is horrible. I pray he is rotting in prison."

"Aye lass. But, ye see why I didn't trust a drunk."

"I do. Did your step-dad ever seek treatment?"

"Nae, and I see where you are going. I can see that difference in you and him. But, he promised to change everytime too. After every broken bone. Every bruise. He never did. Even in prison, he only goes to the AA meetings because he must. Doesn't participate. I keep up, you know."

"Good. That you do. Not that he is not trying to get help. Would you like to know why I drank?"

He shrugs and gestures for her to go on. 

"I will give you my before and after starting treatment reasons. Before, I would say it was due to my ex, Frank. I found him in bed with my ex-best friend." He winces and shakes his head. "Just so. I drank to forget. I deserved forgetfulness. It is what I told myself. Now, after some treatment and introspection I can say, it was an excuse. One that was easy to believe myself and convince others to believe. The ' poor me' syndrome." He nods urging her to go on. "In reality, I had floated on the edge of alcoholism. From the time I was sixteen, I was drinking. Social at first, always with my friends and family. But, even before Frank, I was drinking more and more. Always justifying it. I had a hard day. It was someone's birthday, and it is always someone's birthday," he smiles at that. She returns it," there was always someone who wanted to go out. And, when I started dating Frank, well, he was on track for tenure so, there was parties every weekend it seemed. Lunches with the.other uni wife's and girlfiends. Just always a reason. And, it helped with the doubts I was already feeling about Frank. It helped with the doubts he was steadily placing in my mind. "Claire, darling, you don't need to work. Being my wife will be job enough." "Claire, sugar, a professor's wife can't express opinions about this or that subject." It was constant. But, I found an escape in alcohol. But, the problems were still there. Worse, with the hangovers and Frank's disaproval of my behavior. I now know that it is easier to face my problems, straight on. I know you have concerns. I will not marry Jamie until I am sure my problems are thoroughly worked through."

"Frank is a right arse. I appreciate you sharing all that. I will try to trust you Claire."

"Thank you. How is your mam now?"

He lights up. It transforms his sore face so completely that it is lime he is a different person. "She is so much better. Has a permanent limb from the bastard but, emotionally and mentally, she is a different person. She is going to meetings herself. Finding out what caused her to feel herself only worthy of an abusive relationship. Making grand progress."

"That is wonderful to hear."

"Aye. I will go fetch Jamie now."

"Thank you. I am glad we had this talk."

"Me too lass."


	31. Sunday Super

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie cooks for Claire and they start tentatively planning their future.

He lets her sleep in. It is Sunday and she has returned to work at her Shoppe part time. She worked all day yesterday. Sorting inventory and doing billing. She had came home exhausted. So, Jamie has decided to make her a nice dinner. 

He hums as he works around the kitchen, slicing veggies, seasoning meat, shaping rolls. Soon, the savory smell of roast penetrates the house. He sets the table, lighting candles and filling the flower vase. 

He waits until the food is near done before starting coffee. He knows the smell is sure to wake her up. He carries a cup in to their room and nust sits on the side of the bed with it, allowing her to slowly wake up. He smiles as he watches her eye lids flutter, her body stretch, and finally her eyes open.

"Coffee,' she croaks out as she sits up. He guides it into her hands. Her eyes squint as they open. "What time is it?" She asks as the sunlight hits her.

"One pm."

"Wot? Why did you let me sleep half our day away?"

"Because ye needed it. And I plan on having lot's of days with ye." She sighs as she leans against him and sips the coffee. 

"Did you cook?" Her awaking nose picks up the aroma of the roasted meat and vegtables, the sweet hint of yeast.

"Aye. I've made us dinner. Are ye hungry lass?" In answer, her stomach growls. He laughs," I will take that as an aye. Come luv."

"This is truly excellent. I didn't know you could cook." She says as she reaches for more of the steaming vegetables.

"I am a man of many and varied talents, Sassanech." The way he says it as well as his signature owlish wink tells her he isn't just talking about food. She blushes brightly and he grins.

"Yes you do." Her face glows under the candle light and Jamie's heart gives a lurch. God, she is beautiful.

"I can't wait to marry ye." He says reaching across the table and taking her left hand and rubbing his thumb over her engagement ring.

"Me too Jamie. I just need to make sure I am stable."

"I ken lass. But can we talk about what we expect from married life. Like how many bairns do ye want to have? Where do ye want to live? How do we disciple? Will ye be taking my name?"

"You have been doing a lot of thinking." She is a bit overwhelmed by his questions.

"Aye, ye dinna have to answer them right away. Just think about it. We've time." He sooths.

"I will take your name Jamie with pride. I want at have at least three children. Being an only child I want my children to have siblings to play with. We can live here at first. Until the second child is on the way. Disciple we will have to discuss. That okay?" Her eyes twinkle as she looked across at him.

"Perfectly okay. I ken we dinna want to start our family yet but we can practice."

"Yes we can. The dishes can wait."


	32. The Steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire works the steps and realizes that there is someone she must find.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The steps. The key, as well as a strong desire to be more then just a drunk, more than just a alcoholic, to keeping sober. They are discussing step 7, the amends step, today.

"I know it can be hard to begin. To even know where to begin on making amends. So, start with those closest to you and work out."

Those closest to her. Jamie and her Uncle Lamb. Her Uncle Lamb. She feels a deep shame when she thinks about all she has done to him over the course of her addiction. She had told him she didn't need him. Didn't need him! This man who was so much more then just an uncle.

He had taken her in at age 5 when her parents died. He has saved her from the fate of an orphan and had sacrificed his own happiness for her well being. Taken a job as a professor and sacrificing field work as an archeologist. She must find him and tell him that she is sorry. 

"Some of you may be wondering how you could treat people, people you love, they way you did in the midst of your addiction. Remember, you are not the same person you was then. Be gentle with that previous rendition of yourself. You were a different person. You are getting better."

++++++

"I must find my Uncle Lamb." She tells Jamie that night.


	33. Finding Lamb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire requests Jamie's help to find and make things right with her Uncle Lamb.

"I must find my Uncle Lamb." She announces that night. "I must tell him that I am sorry."

"When was the last time ye saw him?" He asks leading her to sit down beside him. He starts to rub her back and neck as he awaits her answer.

"Two years ago. I was in hospital. Alcohol inducted injuries. He came off the field to see what he could do to help. I," she stops as the lump gets to big to talk through.

"You dinna receive that well." He guesses placing an arm around her and drawing her close to his.

"And now that you are no longer controlled by alcohol, ye yearn to make it right."

"I must. He...he is my only family." She feels him tighten up behind her," I mean bio family. And...he was all to me when I had none else. And...I treated him like shite Jamie."

"That Claire is dead now."

"Yes. But I need to let him know that and say thank you and I am sorry."

"Where was he the last time you heard from him?"

"Rome. But, he move a..." She gets completely still as she remembers something. 

"Claire."

"His letters. He sent letters when I stopped taking his calls. I never....oh....I never opened them."

"Where are they?" She jumps up and rushes into their bedroom. She reaches into the back of the closet and pulls down a box. She sits in the center of the bed and opens it. Jamie stands beside her unsure where she needs him.

"So many. He wrote so many. And I completely ignored him. He told me the last time I saw him that I must get help. That I was shaming my parents. I wasn't ready to hear the truth so, I killed the messanger. But he keep writing. He never..." She reaches in and pulls out the top envelope. Postmarked from the Ukraine. She opens it with shaking hands.

"My darling Claire,

I know you are angry with my bluntness. I will always speak the truth to you. I love to much not to. I am here when ypu are ready to talk."

She opens each one, silently handing them to Jamie when she was finished. All were along the same vein. Until the last one. The one dated three months ago.

"My dearest Claire-bear,

You must come. I have cancer. The doctors don't give me long. I love you Claire. I long to see you before I die."

The letter falls from her numb fingers. Jamie catches it and Claire as she falls sobbing into his arms.


	34. Hourglass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie rush to her Uncle Lamb. Will they get there in time?

She felt it. The quickly running time. She taps her fingers nervously on the plane's seat. It was shifting under her feet like sands in a hourglass. And there is nothing she can do to stop it. Three months! He had writing her three bloody months ago. And she had been so wrapped up in her disease to notice. To respond. To get to his side. And now..

She had called the last number she had for him. No answer. But, her Uncle Lamb had a bad habit of dropping his cellphone in sites and having to get new ones. She had teased him that several hundred years from now, someone would dig them up and wonder how they ended up there amoungst the much more ancient relics.

She sent a postcard out telling him she was on the way. They had called local hospitals and Jamie had called local funeral homes( a task Claire just couldn't do). No sign of him. So, now they are on a plane headed to the address on the last letter. And they wait clearance. Claire's fingers tap harder.

"He would be at home. He loathed hospitals and traditional medical care. His influence is what lead me to practice the type of healing I do. So, he wouldn't be at a hospital. At home, yes." She says for the forth time since they had entered the plane an hour ago. He stills her tapping fingers by laying his hand over hers. He squeezes it gently. She had been released to take this emergancy family trip as long as she attends meetings, as often as possible, and has someone for support. Not that he wouldn't join her anyway. 

"She is in a veera fragile place right now. This visit, God grant that he is still alive, with her terminal ill uncle will be a true test of her sobriety. Ye must kerp a close eye. With the eyes of a medical professional, naught just a fiancee." Miss Fritz had lectured before they left.

"I did bring all I can think of that he will need. Anti-nausea and anti- pain treatments. CBC oil to rub on his skin. Oh, I hope I haven't forgot anything!" She frets.

"If ye have love, we will have Raymond send it."

"Right. Oh Jamie! What if I am to late? What if he died thinking I didn't care?"

"Oh love, he knows you care. He knows that the disease was in charge. That is why he was trying to get you help."

"Yes. I just.."

"We will be there soon. We will know. Ye canna change it by fretting about it. And ye are not alone. There are two of us."

They land three hours after taken off. And again, time slows. The line for customs seems to stretch for miles. When they finally clear it, backage claim slows to a crawl as someone at the front argues about lost luggage. The hourglass seems stuck in the stem. And Claire is on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"What the bloody f*ck is going on?" She angrily whispers to Jamie.

"Let me see." He returns ten long minutes later with a tale of the lost luggage.

"My uncle is dying or already dead and and we a stuck in bloody baggage claim!" She cries out before bursting into tears. Her fellow travelers take pity on her and move them to the front of the line. Jamie thanks them. Claire is far to overwhelmed.

At least they didn't have to wait for a rental car. Jamie's cousin Jarod was picking them up. A benefit of being in Paris. He waits right out front as the exit the airport, finally. Jamie makes introductions.

"I am so sorry mi' cheri. I will have you to his address with haste." He is as good as his word. They pull up in front of the townhouse twenty minutes later.

"Oh God...I don't know if I can do this." Claire quivers beside Jamie in the backseat.

"You can. You are one of the bravest people I know. And you are not alone. Come lass." He helps her out of the car. 

"I will wait to see all is well and then deliver your bags to my house." Jarod says.

"Thank ye." He leads her up the steps to a huge wooden door. They knock and wait. It is opened by an older woman in a nurses uniform and the relief has Claire dizzy.

"Oui?"

"I am Claire Beauchamp. Here to see my Uncle Lamb."

"Claire, you have come at last. He keep saying you would come but.."

"I was battling my own illness. Didn't know until quite recently about Uncle Lamb. Oh, this is my fiancee, Jamie Fraser. May we please see him."

"Oui, come this way. Now, I must warn you, he has lost a lot of weight. He sleeps most of the time and the chemo took his hair."

"He had chemo?"

"Oui, a way to try to live until he saw you."

"Oh God." She sways and Jamie catches her. "He is still here. Ye have made it. There will be time to mourn the 'what ifs'. Let's go see the awesome man who raised you." 

The bed dwarfs the shell of a man who lays in it. His skin hangs from his bones. He is pale enough to blend in with the white sheets. His brown curles, so like his niece's are gone. His bald head is covered by a blue doo' rag. But, when he opens his eyes, he is there. Her Uncle Lamb.

"Claire bear. I knew you would come." She runs over to the bed and rests her head on his chest.

"I am so sorry."

"Shhhhh lamb. You are here. Nothing else matters.


	35. I Am Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologizes offered and accepted.

"I am so so sorry." She sobs against her uncle's neck as he holds her awkwardly against him.

"Shhh, my lamb. All is forgiven. Are you sober now?" She looks up tears still streaming down her face.

"Yes, for three months and 29 days."

"I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it."

"It is why I didn't respond. First because I was to drunk. Then because I was in in-patient recovery."

"I do understand. I am.just so glad you got here in time."

"I was so scared I wouldn't. Jamie kept reasuring.."

"Sorry Jamie?"

"Oh, where is my head? Jamie. James Fraser. He is my fiancee."

"Hello sir." Jamie steps out of the shadows where he had been hidden, allowing Claire the time she needed.

"Come closer." He does. "Do you understand what my niece is going through?"

"I do. It is how we meet. I am a paramedic and..." He tells him all. Even about Mary wanting no secrets with Claire's uncle and father figure.

"Well, you seem to be the proper person for her. I am quite happy to see you settled lamb."

"He is everything. We are very happy together."

"I can see. When is the wedding?"

"I want to make a year. That is what is advised."

"I understand." But his sigh says otherwise.

"What is it Uncle Lamb? Are you getting tired, in pain?"

"Always to both. It nothing. You are right to wait. It is just.."

"Yes?"

"I just would love to see it. To be present."

"Ohhhh." She starts crying again and Jamie takes her in his arms. He holds her tight as he asks Lambert Beauchamp,

"How long sir? Did they say?"

"A week at the most. I have been holding out for Claire." Her sobs get louder. "Don't lamb. Don't grief so hard for me. I am dying happy. I see you, settled and sober, with a good man who will see you safe. I have lived a fine , long life. I am so tired. I am ready."

"Don't go!" She calls out.

"No. Not yet. We have some time."

"I've an idea. A.way for you to be present and Claire still wait."

"How?" Claire asks.

"Have you heard of handfasting?"

"I have." Lambert says. "What a brilliant solution. You've a smart one Claire."

"What is handfasting?"

"A Celtic ancient marriage cermony. Involves some Ghaildhig and a blood vow. It won't be legal outside Scottish culture but will allow your Uncle Lamb to be present at commitment cermony."

"Let's do it."

"Will have to arrange a few things. Tomorrow?" He looks to them both.

"I will be here." Lambert assures him. 

"Tomorrow works. How much Ghaildhig?"

"Just a few lines. I will teach them to you. I have to make some arrangments. I will be back."

"Okay. I love you Jamie."

"I love you mon ghairde." He kisses her, squeezes Lambert's hand, and slips out.


	36. Handfasting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A handfasting ceromony is held. Uncle Lamb gets a chance to give her away.

Jamie slips back in Lambert's house a few hours later. He smiles when he sees Claire asleep in the chair beside her uncle's bed.

"I tried to get her to go to bed. She is a stubborn woman."

"Aye, she is." He walks over and is going to lift her up and carry her to the guest bedroom but, Lambert stop him.

"Can you hold on a minute son. She may wake and I want to talk to you a moment."

"Of course sir." He takes a seat on his other side.

"I need you to promise me something. That no matter how hard she pushes, and she will, it is the Beauchamp side of the family, we are stubborn. Ah, promise that no matter how hard she pushes, that you will stick by her, keep her safe."

"Ye have my word."

"It will get hard after I am gone. She may want to drink again. You are strong enough to handle that?"

"I am sir. Us Fraser's are a stubborn lot too."

"Good. I never had a child of my own but Claire was/ is my daughter. She is the best thing I ever did. Taken her in. I tried to leave her at a boarding school, once. She threw such a fit, I had no choose but to take her with me. It wasn't a proper upbringing for an English lady but, well; I honestly regret none of it. And, I can rest easy knowing she has found someone who loves her as much as I do."

"I do. She is everything to me."

"When will you do the handfasting?"

"Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow is good. I am very tired. I will see you two in the morning."

"Ye will?"

"I will. I will see her settled."

He has found a judge, an official officiate, to oversee the ceremony. He wants it as legal as they can make it, for Lambert's sake. He presents Claire with a simple white dress and surprises her with a kilt. He would like his family here. To be wearing his families tartan and colors. To have a true binding cord. But, they haven't the time. He ken's a week is optimistic. So, simple ribbons will do. It is the Ghaildhig vowes that are important anyway. He had went over them with Claire earlier. She may stumble a bit but will be able to get them out.

Claire stands beside her uncle at the start of the cermony. There is one thing outside the traditional handfasting he has insisted on. 

"Who gives this woman to be joined to this man?" The judge asks to Claire's surprise and Lambert's delight. He looks at Jamie through his tears and mouths "thank you' before answering.

"I do." He takes her hand and places it in Jamie's. They join both hands and the judge ties their joined hands together, tying the knot.

"Ready?" Jamie asks her. She nods and whispers 'yes'.

"Tha thu full mo flauil agus. Cnaimh mo chnaimh. Tha mi a tairt dhuaimh. Tha mi a tairt dhuibh mo chorp gum faod sinn dithis a bhith aon. Tha mi a toirt seachad bhair mimo spiohad dhut gus am faod ar beatha a dheanamh."

They repeat the vows to each other and Jamie slips a gold band on her finger and offers one to her to slip on his. She does with slightly shaken hands after they are freed.

"Ye are joined." The judge says. "Ye may kiss if ye wish." They do.

"Jamie, are we married? Really married?" She asks after.

"We can be. All we have to do is sign the certificate. I dinna do it to trick ye. I just wanted to make it as official as possible for yer uncle. Do ye wish to?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Ghaildhig
> 
> You are.blood of my.blood and bone of my bone. I give you my body so we two may be one. I give you my spirit until our lives be done.


	37. Married or No?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will the wedding be made official?

She stares down at the gold ring on her left hand. Married. All she has to do is sign her name. Her new name, on the marriage certificate. He has made it simple for her. If she wishes. Does she? She wants to be Mrs Fraser. She had wanted to wait but, to have the security of that. Now, when she will need it must. And, he knew that. It wasn't just for Uncle Lamb. He did this for her too. For them. The room is still silent with Jamie, Uncle Lamb, and the judge, all awaiting her answer.

"Where is the certificate?" She asks looking up at her husband. His eyes fill and the smile! She will see his smile in her memory forever. 

"Right here." The judge produces it and adds," you just need to sign. Both of you." He hands them pens. She signs her new name, Claire Elizabeth Fraser under Jamie's.

"Fraser. Ye are taken my name?"

"Of course, I am. I am your wife."

"And, a verra independent woman. I dinna, I am quite pleased I just dinna.."

"I didn't expect any of this. But, I am so glad that you arranged a real marriage. I wished to wait. Until I realized that there was no reason. Nothing, other then my last name would change. We are living together. You are the person I rely on must. My best friend, my lover, my soul mate. To be my husband just makes sense."

"My Claire, my Sorcha. You are all I have ever wanted. The one person I can't live without. The only one I ever want to come home to. To see across the breakfast table. To share my life. You have been my heart wife for awhile now. This just makes it legal."

"Now those were wedding vowes." A forgotten Uncle Lamb says. "Come here Mrs Fraser so I can kiss the bride."


	38. The Death of Lamb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lamb dies surrounded by Claire and Jamie.  
> Very angsty

Claire stays by her uncle's side all night. Her husband will not leave her so he does also. He holds her hand as she holds his. She talks to him, reminding him of stories from her childhood. Jamie listens, awed by all they had seen and done.

"Remember Uncle Lamb, that dig where I almost fell in. I couldn't have been more then six."

"You were seven. Just turned so. I caught you by the hem of your shirt. You dangled as my assistant grabbed your hands.

"Right. You were telling me not to touch anything."

"Yes. We had just uncovered some very old bones. They may have crumbled to dust at the touch of your hands." She laughs and then starts to cry. Jamie pulls her into his lap and holds her tight.

"Little lamb, what is it?"

"Oh Uncle Lamb, there were times, like that, that I thought you loved your job more than me."

"Never! Not ever lamb. From the time you were given to my care, there was nothing more important in my life. Never doubt that."

"I don't want you to go." She confesses clinging to him with both hands as Jamie clings to her.

"I know my love. I don't want to leave you. But, Jamie, your husband will take care of you. And, you will take care of him. I am so tired lamb. It is getting to hard to hold on."

"Uncle Lamb," she slips off her husband's lap and over to his bed. She clings to him as well as she can. He holds her back.

"I will watch over you. And your children. I am proud of you Claire. Of the woman you are, the fight you are fighting, the man you have chosen. Now, give me a moment alone with him. I will not leave until you are back. I promise." She pulls away dripping tears on his face. She kisses his forehead and hugs Jamie tight before stumbling into the hall.

"I am entrusting her to you, giving you my heart. She is strong, one of the strongest people I know. But, I fear she will start drinking again after I am gone or really want too. You must be stronger. You must do all you can to stop her."

"I know and I will sir."

"I am able to go in peace because she has you. Thank you for that. I trust you to always do right by her. You will be the only family she has until your first child is born; honor that."

"I promise to."

"Good. Bring her back in. I haven't long."

"I love you Claire. I fear I didn't tell you that enough."

"I knew. I always knew. I love you." Their tears mingle as they lay face to face. She wanted to be close to him at the end so Jamie carefully adjusted him to his side.

"I never regretted taken uou in. I want you to also know that."

"Thank you Uncle Lamb. Did I ever thank you?"

"Every day luv. With every smile and hug."

"I am sorry for the bratty teen years."

"I am sorry for dragging you all over the world."

"No. I loved it. It was an awesome childhood."

"I have to go Claire"

"I know. I love you. Go in peace."

"I love you." She breathes with him, hoping that as long as she does, he will keep breathing. But, he takes a few trembling breathes and breathes no more. She cries out and Jamie lifts her up into his arms as the hospice doctor comes in. He officially pronounces him. And Claire holds tight to her husband as her sobs shake her.


	39. The Stages of Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is gone. Now what? Will she fall? Can Jamie catch her?

"What now? What do we do know? What is the next step?" She looks from Jamie to the hospice social worker. Why didn't anyone tell you? Why wasn't there classes, something to explain the mechanics of death?

"Your uncle wanted his body donated to the Paris Medical School. He knew his organs couldn't be donated because of the cancer and chemo. But, he wanted something good to come from his death. And, he didn't want you to have to deal with any arrangements." The social worker explains.

"That is Uncle Lamb, all right."

"But, the final decision is up to you. If you wish him interned or cremated, we will have his body moved to a funeral home."

"No. I wish to follow his wishes. I don't need a grave to visit or a urn to look at to remember him."

"We will have him picked up then." She nods and looks back one final time.

"Rest in peace Uncle Lamb. I will love you always." She says in a choked voice before running out. She goes to the guest room. She and Jamie had barely used it. Must of their time spent with Lamb. She falls across the bed and Jamie is there, holding her tight. "I can't believe he is gone. How can he be gone? The one constant my entire life. He was my anchor. The one person I could always turn to, could always trust. And now, he is gone!" She sobs, beating her fists on the bed. He strokes her back and speaks Ghaildhig over her. Eventually, she quiets. Her sobs turn to hiccups. He hands her tissues and she cleans her face, blows her nose, and then lays her head down on the bed, exhausted. 

"Try to sleep a leanan. I will be here." With the feel of him behind her, she is able to rest.

"We must clean the house." She announces when she wakes. "After a death the house must be cleansed." 

"Are ye up to that?" He is concerned by the frantic energy coming off her.

"I must be about something Jamie. I've no funeral to plan, no arrangements to make. That makes it easy and hard. Please, help me here. I need to do something!"

"Okay love. Okay. I understand. Where do ye wish to start?" 

"Kitchen. People bring food, after death. It should be cleaned. I don't want the neighbors thinking poorly of him."

They scrubbed counters, scoured floors, rewashed and sterilized clean dishes. He was happy she hadn't requested his room first. He kens she isn't up to that. By the time they finish, word had got around and the first neighbors were showing up. 

They bring breads and cheeses, desserts and flowers. One brings a wreath for the front door. Jamie handles most of them. Claire accepts their condolences, smiles at the offered food, and then sits, pulled in herself as the neighbors, people who knew her uncle in the last part of his life, chat together about him. The makeshift wake lasts most if the day. Jamie finally says goodbye to the last mourner as the sun was setting and shut the door. 

"I am sorry Claire. Was it to much?" She sits in the corner of the couch with her legs up to her chest.

"What?" She looks up at him with glazed eyes, slowly coming back to herself. "Oh no. It was nice. All the stories they had of him. The share grief and laughter. And we won't have to cook the entire time we are here. I am just having trouble proccessing it all, you know?"

"I do. What do you need, right now?"

"A meeting. Did you send all the wine back?"

"I did. Come lass. I will take you to a meeting."

"Thank you Jamie. I love you."

"I love you."  
.


	40. A Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie takes Claire to a meeting.

"Hello. I am Claire."

"Bojour Claire" and "Hello Claire" echoes back. 

"I am an alcoholic. It has been 5 months and 4 days since my last drink." A round of applause greets this. She holds up here hands. "I started drinking when my ex cheated on me with my best friend. Or started drinking in earnest. I have been sipping spirits as long as I can remember. But, it became a problem then. It got so bad that I was discovered passed out in my neighbor's yard. That is when I knew I had to get help. I found it. Went in-patient. Attended several meetings everyday. Even as an out-patient I still did. But, there have been some major changes in my life. Some very good. Some bad. I have recently got married." This is greeted with both mummors of congratulations and dismay. It hasn't been a year yet. She understands and moves on. "And, the uncle that raised me, died. Just died. And I don't want to go back. Want to stay strong. For him, his memory. He was so proud of me getting help. I don't want to go back to the lady that was always drunk by mid day. And for my husband. For Jamie. Who rescued me. He needn't have to again. But, mainly for me. I like this Claire. I respect her. I don't want to old one back. But, it is hard. This grief is crushing. I don't know how to get through it without taking a drink."

What followed was a mixture of tough love and compassion. Jamie, sitting in the back of the room, is amazed at the perfect responses they give her.

"Je have come to far. Je can't let a moments pain ruin all that tough work."

"You know what would happen if you gave in. The grief would still be there, you would have to get your day one chip again, and, you would be doing it all with a hangover."

"Think of going through the DT's again. Of returning to in-patient and leaving your new husband. All for the momentary reprieve from pain that will still be there."

"You are stronger then this. You have shown it. You can't let the demons win."

"Do je want your life unmanageable again?"

She sits and listens to the others stories after. It is exactly what she needed.


	41. Heading Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The new Frasers head home and tell their friends and family their news.

She is quiet on the plane ride home. She holds tight to his hand and stares out the plane's window. He doesn't interrupt her silence, knowing she has a lot on her mind. Dealing with her uncle's death, their brand new marriage, heading back to Lallybroch, and telling everyone. He is a bit nervous about that last one, himself.

They land and he gathers up their carry-on bags. She is still quiet, playing nervously with her wedding ring. "Are ye okay, Claire?"

"Just a bit nervous about telling people. It is not time, yet, according to the rules." She is, technically, right. A year to even start dating. But, here they are married before she even has her six month chip.

"Do ye regret it?" The walk out of the airport to await the Lyft that is taking them home.

"Never! Oh, don't ever think that. I worry over their reactions but, I am so happy to be your wife."

"Don't worry sae much about the others. Ye aren't alone. Their are two of us now." They head home to drop of their luggage and pick up their own car. They then head straight to Lallybroch. She needs a meeting and to face her fears before they grow.

They walk in hand and hand and Miss Fitz greets them. "You are back. I was sae sorry to hear of yer uncle's passing." She pulls Claire in for a hug.

"Thank you. I am just glad I was there. That I got to say goodbye. And," she takes a deep breath to steady her nerves," that he saw me married."

"What?" She looks between them and then at Claire's left hand. "Ye two got married?"

"We were legally handfast. Got a officiant that could sign the license, if Claire wished it official."

"I was just going to do the handfasting for Uncle Lamb, so he would know I was okay. That I wouldn't be alone after. But, when Jamie said all we had to do was have the license signed. I know it is fast, that it goes against the unofficial rule of rehap, but, I love him. I couldn't have got here without him."

"It isn't the normal course of things, but, I see it is right. That this is right. Sae congratulations to ye." She hugs them both tight and then takes Claire to the meeting about to start. "Go check in at work. I've yer wife. Dinna flash." 

"Sae he died. It is a good that Claire made it before." Rupert states after Jamie tells him of Lamb.

"Aye. They said their goodbyes. She was holding him as he left. Twas a bit of a beautiful thing, actually."

"That is verra good."

"I've one other thing to tell ye."

"Aye?" They sit across from each other at the firehouse. And Jamie lays his left hand across the table. Rupert looks down and then up at his cousin. His face reflects his shock.

"Congratulate me cousin. I am married."

"Congr... Have ye lost yer heid? Married. I have grown to accept that ye love her, and she ye. That ye are good together even. But married! What possessed ye to rush into marriage?"

"That love and Lamb." And he explains all. The talk of handfasting so Lamb could witness a type of marriage. His decision to make it real, if Claire agreed. "We were right there, Rupert. He was. It seemed and seems right."

"Weel, I still think ye a bit daft. But, I can understand that. A little. Sae congrats."

"Thank ye Rupert."

"Now ye just need to tell ye parents and Jenny."

"A' Dhai!"


	42. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Claire share their news with Jamie's family.

"I am sae sorry Claire." Ellen draws her into her arms as soon as she and Jamie enter the family's living quarters in the heart of Lallybroch. She melts into her motherly embrace.

"We are all Claire. We understand that he was much more then an uncle to ye." Brian adds.

"Yes he was the only family I had left." She confirms from the safety of her mother-in -laws arms.

"Weel, ye ken we will be here for ye. Be a type of family to ye." Jenny says.

"Weel, ye are all a bit more than kind of family to Claire. Ye are family." A nervous Jamie says.

"What is that son?" Brian inquires.

"We were legally hand-fast in Paris. We are married." Silence descents. Ellen's arms, still around Claire, tighten.

"You were married, in Paris, without family present!" Jenny says.

"My Uncle Lamb was. He gave permission and was able to see me safely joined to Jamie so he could die in peace. That is why..it was just to be Handfasting but, Jamie found an officiant that could do it legally. All I had to do is sign the licence with him. We were already married anyway so. I wish you all could have been there but, by the time you caught flights, he would have been gone." 

"Oh Claire. I understand. Truly. It is just it is hard, as a mother, not to see yer child married." Ellen says.

"We can go before a priest. Reaffirm our vowes, if Claire is okay with that. After the worst of the grief has passed."

"Yes we can." Claire agrees.

"Weel that would help." Ellen agrees.

"Aye. Can I have a few minutes with the newlyweds. Alone." Brian asks. They all leave. "Okay. I get why ye wanted to make it official while Lamb was still alive."

"But?"

"But Jamie. I fear for ye both. Claire, ye are but five monthd clean. The relationship with Jamie, the death of yer uncle. And now, a new marriage. It is a lot on yer recovery."

"You don't think I fear the same? I worry every second that I will relapse. That is why I went to a metting within an hour of Uncle Lamb's death. Why, the first thing I did after getting home was to come here. And head right back into the program. I understand my addiction and triggers. As does my husband. I will be here as long as it takes. Even if I have to go inpatient again. My recovery is my priority."

"Do you agree son?"

"I do da. Everything else is secondary to keeping her recovering. And, ye ken me weel enough that I willna be her enabler."

"Ye have relieved some of my fears. I still believe the whole thing was hasty but, there is naught to be done now. It isn't that I dinna want to see ye married or, make ye an official member of the Fraser's Claire. I am proud ye are my daughter-in-law. I just..."

"Worry. So do I."

"Welcome to the family Claire." He draws her into his arms. 

"Thank you Brian. Family. Such a wonderful word."


	43. Grieving Lasts for a Night but, Joy Comes in the Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grief and Joy are found in Lallybroch, in family.

It is so hard, at first. The whispers of the others. The snide comments. The looks. But, she knows her recovery is the most important thing. She ignores the others and focuses solely on it. That and grieving Lamb.

Grieving Lamb was mainly done while wrapped securely in her husband's arms. To think of him while at her groups and meetings would allow her to think of nothing else. But, at night, in their bedroom, Jamie's old room, at Lallybroch, she is free to cry, wail, scream. She is free to pour all her grief out knowing he can take it. That he will hold her, stroke her back and hair, and speak gentle words of gallic over her.

They had discussed moving back to their house. All agreed that having Claire, on-campus would be better until the worst of her grief had passed. She couldn't nor wouldn't argue that point. She knows how fragile she is.

Time passed without her noticing. She is focused, more and more of her recovery as the biting edge of her grief losens. One month. Then two. Then three. 

"Ye will be getting yer one year chip in two months." Jamie says one morning.

"What? Can't be. Can it?" He smiles.

"Aye. We have been married four months and ye were six months then."

"Wow! I didn't realize. That is wonderful."

"It is. And, I thought to celebrate we could get married at church, in front of a priest."

"It is important, isn't it?"

"Aye. To my mam and da. They would like to be there."

"And, I want them there. Okay. Let's do it. We can do it after my year ceremony."

"Aye. As it will be a vow renewal not a marriage, it will be easier to plan. My mam has some ideas."

"She can do whatever she wants. I don't mind just showing up. If she doesn't mind."

"Mind! She will be thrilled. And after, we can move back home?"

"Yes. I am felling very stable. Yes."


	44. Wedding Plans and a Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellen helps Claire plan her wedding. In the midst, they realize something.

"The reception can be here." Ellen states. The sit at her kitchen table and work out wedding plans. Since it is a simple blessing ceremony, she doesn't want a big deal. Her mother-in-law has other ideas.

"Truly Ellen, we don't need a reception."

"Och! Ye do. How else will people have a chance to give their congratulations? And presents?"

"We really don't need those either." But it is a losing battle. She sighs and agrees to a smale reception at Lallybroch.

"I just don't want that big deal made."

"But, it is a big deal. It is okay to celebrate. Ye have come sae far."

"I know it is just the others. The other ladies in group. They treat me like the teacher's pet already."

"Shhh. They needn't know. It will be a private affair. And, the staff doesn't treat ye differently, do they? Either lenient or harsher?"

"No. They treat me like all the others."

"Good. I ken this is hard for ye. And the other lasses jealousy doesn't help, but this is where ye need to be. In this facility and in this family."

"That I know." 

"Good. Now, since you dinna wisha big deal made, how about a used wedding dress?"

"That is perfectly fine."

"Brilliant. How about mine?"

"Your's? Are you sure? I mean, shouldn't your daughter wear it?"

"You are my daughter and it wouldn't fit Jenny. She is a tad shorter then me."

"Right. If you are sure?"

"I am. Come. Let's try it on ye."

She undresses down to her bra and knickers. And Ellen, mother of four and grandma of two with one on the way, sees it right away. The curve of her pelvis was quite slight but very obvious.

"Why Claire, why didn't ye say anything?"

"Anything about what?"

"The baby."

"What baby?" She sees where her eyes are and looks down. "I am not pregnant. I have just gained a bit of weight, that is all."

"When was yer last cycle."

"April 5th. So you see."

"Claire, it is June." 

"No, it can't be!"

"But, it is. Dinna flash. Jamie will be head over heels excited. And, ye want bairns, don't ye?"

"Yes. I do. I just didn't plan one so soon. We have been careful."

"Everytime?"

"Yes..oh no. Three months ago. We were overwhelmed outside. In the barn. Opps sorry.."

"I recall the feeling, Brian and I still sometimes are."

"And now..ohhh!"

"It is okay Claire. Everything will be okay." She holds her close, rocking her and speaking the same Ghaildhig lullabies over her, she did over her children and grandchildren. "Do ye still wish to try on the gown?"

"I better. Need to get this marriage blessed before I start to show."

"Ye are married and the bairn was conceived in matrimony." She assures as she gets the gown out of the closet and removes it's protective covering.

"Oh wow." Claire is momentarily pulled away from thoughts of pregnancy and how to tell Jamie by the sight of the satin eggshell colored gown with the tartan colored, Fraser colors in a band in the middle. The neckline is lace as is the covering over the skirt. 

"Let's see how it fits." She helps her into it. It fits perfectly. "Like it was made for ye." 

"It is so...thank you Ellen."

"Ye are welcome. I am just glad I've a daughter to wear it. One tall enough."

"A daughter." Her hand covers the gentle swell. "Or son. How do I tell Jamie?"

"I've some ideas."


	45. One Year and the Rest of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire celebrates her first year of recovery.

One Year! It is a huge milestone. A year ago she was drunk and passed out in her neighbors yard. A year ago she meet Jamie. A year ago she started down the path of recovery. And now, she is 365 days sober.

She would get her one year chip at her AA meeting. There would be cake, coffee, and reflection. How far she had come. She would hear from others who were farther along and encourage those who are new to this journey.

She prays her stomach cooperates. Ever since discovering that she was pregnant( a fact confirmed by a home test and a visit to the doctor), she has had morning sickness. She has, so far, been successful at hiding this fact from her husband. She has a plan on when and where to tell him and it isn't time yet. She prays she doesn't embarrass herself in front of her entire meeting and, therefore, spill the beans to soon.

"A year! I am sae proud of ye." He greets her with a tight hug and a kiss.

"Thank you. I am proud of myself. I couldn't have done it without you and my group. One year and the rest of my life."

"Aye! Are ye ready?"

"Just need to brush my teeth and stuff. Will meet you downstairs." He kisses her again and heads down and she runs to the bathroom.

"We mark these occasions to show how far we have come, to remind ourselves where we have been , and to encourage those behind us. Claire has come quite a ways since she joined us. It is a pleasure to present her the year one chip." Mrs Fritz turns to Jamie, who will be doing the actual presenting. He step forward and, through a film of tears, hands the gold plated chip to her. She takes it with equally tear filled eyes.

"Thank you Jamie, Mrs Fritz, and all of you. I couldn't have made it to today without everyone of you. You all play a vital role in my continuing recovery. From the first day when the DT's were so bad I thought I was losing my mind, to freeing my home of hidden alcohol, to speaking truth to my addictions lies, to being here today. There are no words to properly express my gratitude to you. All I can do is stay sober, living one day at a time, and, help those coming up behind as we all climb the same steps. It is year one, day 365, of the rest of my sober life. Thank you."


	46. A Blessing.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fraser's marriage is blessed. Will she bless him.with her news too?

She stands in front of the mirror, in Jamie's childhood room, in the heart of Lallybroch, in Ellen's wedding gown. Her, Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp Fraser, former active drunk now wife of Jamie, mother to his unborn child and part of this heritage, this family. It is overwhelming.

"Ye are beautiful Claire." Ellen says as her and Jenny walk in. She has a mum and a sister in them. Brothers and a father in Willy, Rabbie, and Brian. And Jamie and their baby. What a blessed woman she is!

"Thank you. I..." She can't say more, breaking into tears. Ellen and Jenny pull her into their arms.

"It is okay a' leanan. We understand." Once.the happy tears are cried out, they retouch her make-up and hair. It is down. The riotous curles free, the way Jamie likes them. No veil but a garland of flowers, forget-me-nots, grace her head. She is ready.

Jamie paces back and forth across the floor of the church behind the vestry. He is waiting for time to go out, to stand in the front and await Claire. The small group they had invited, Claire's apprentice, Raymond, her sober friends, Jamie's work friends, family; are already seated.

"Deep breath son. It will be time soon." Brian sooths.

"I ken it is just...any last minute marriage advice?"

"Love her. Even when you are fighting, or she is grouchy or you are. Love her when the kids are small and you barely have time to be more than parents and when they are grown and it is just you two again. When you are holding your first grandbairn. Just always love her. It is nae just a feeling, but a choice. Ye are a brawl lad, Jamie. I am sae proud of the man you have become. Now, come out front and let me go fetch yer bride."

"Thank ye da." They hug tight.

He takes her breath as she approaches him on Brian's arm. He has went full Highlander for the occasion and wears a kilt in the Fraser colors. A crisp white linen top, a tartan over his shoulder, knee high socks, a belt and and a sporran. Even a dirk and ceremonial sword. He is magnificent.

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" The priest asks.

"Clan Fraser and she herself does." Brian answers. He places her hand in his son's. The rest of the ceremony they repledge themselves to each other, the rings are blessed and placed back on their fingers and then Jamie reachea in his sporran.

"I've something for ye Claire. A wedding gift." He pulls out a string of pearls. "They were last my mam's. Before that, her mam's. They have been traced back to the time of the 1747 Raising. I want ye to have them. To pass down to our daughter on her wedding day." He slips them over her neck and she sobs.

"Oh Jamie, they are so beautiful. I have a gift for you too." She takes his hand and places it over the gentle swell of her stomach. "A baby. We are pregnant." A collective' ahhh and ohhhh' runs through their guests. Jamie stands with his mouth open and tears stream down his face.

"A bairn! We are having a bairn?" 

"We are. I thought now would be the perfect time to tell you."

"It is." He lifts her up and spins her around. The priest and the congregation laughs.

"What a perfect way to end this blessing ceremony. With the blessing of a new baby. May I introduce the Fraser's. Jamie, you may kiss your bride." But, he already is.


	47. Honeymoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie and Claire's honeymoon.  
> Quite Explicit

They don't travel far for their honeymoon. Just as far a their house. With Claire stable enough to leave Lallybroch, it is the only place either wish to be. He carries her over the threshold. And then over the threshold of their room where he finally sits her down.

She had changed before leaving Lallybroch. He hadn't, at her request. She is quite turned on by the kilt. He by having his wife home and by the knowledge she is carrying their child. He kneels before her and places his hands on her lower abdomen.

"A bairn. Ye and I grow inside ye." He lifts her shirt up enough to expose her small swell and presses a kiss there. "Hi a' lehean. This is yer da. Yer mam and I are so glad ye are on the way." She rests her hands on his head as tears slowly drop down. To have such a man to love her and her child! 

"Jamie, I love you so much. And, I need to love you." He gets it. He lowers her pants and knickers, lifting each of her legs to slip them off. He returns to kisses her abdomen before moving down. She shivers as her fingers and then tongue, part her. He takes his time, working her into a frenzy before gently biting on her clit and then, soothing it with his tongue. He supports her legs with his big hands as he thoroughly shatters her. She is panting and mumbling his name and curses as he moves back up

"Better Mrs Fraser?" He says with his signature owlish wink.

"Oh yes Mr Fraser. Come up here." He stands and works her shirt and bra off. "You are way overdressed. Let me help you." She lifts the linen shirt off, unbuckles his belt allowing the sporren and sword to hit the floor. She kneels down and unloosens the laces of his boots and slips them and he socks off. She then kisses up his thighs, working her way under the kilt.

"Claire! Christ!" He cries out as she takes him in hand and mouth. He cries out in Gailec curses as she sucks and pulls on him. "Come here Claire." He urges. He doesn't want to cum in her mouth. Not tonight.

"Ye are sae beautiful Claire." He says as he runs his hand over her breasts. "They are already fuller."

"Think so. I can feel it in the tightness of my bras but didn't know it was noticable."

"It is to me. Yer areola is darker. And they are slightly heavier. I canna wait until they are full of the milk that will sustain our child."

"Blue veins and leaking milk turn you on," she teases.

"Only when it is my wife's leaky vein filled breast. When everytime I make ye cum, ye squirt. And, I will make ye cum alot." He lowers his head and suckled her. She arches half way off the bed.

"Ohhhhhh!" She moans out. They sure are more sensitive. His pulling mouth and twirling tongue are about to make her cum. "Harder!" She grunts as she grinds against his kilt covered thigh. "I am going to..." And she does, shuddering as she melts against him.

"I need to be inside ye now." She arranges him to slip inside her. The kilt is trapped between them. He starts to remove it.

"Don't. I like it." He nods before moving gently in her. She sighs, lifting her leg to his bum to pull him deeper in. "I won't break." She urges him to move faster."

"It won't hurt the bairn?"

"No. Rock him to sleep Jamie." He groans, at that and thrusts home, and home, and home again.


	48. Epilogue (17 years later)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What becomes of the Frasers

"I can't help it Jamie. I worry."

"I ken Sassanech. But, we have always been open and honest with them. They ken yer story. They ken the danger." He draws her close. "Ye must let them grow up. It is the point of this parenting thing." He teases. She sighs as she relaxes against him. 17 years of marriage and he knows exactly what to say to relax her. Exactly how to hold her. "Besides, with the bairns out of the house, we will have time alone." He whispers against her ear. Now, that was a brilliant point. The fire between them still burns hot. Time hadn't timmed it.

"Ugg, dinna ye ken yer old." 16 year old Julia Ellen Elizabeth says as she, once again, catches her parents snogging.

"May I ne' get to old to properly snog yer mam. Ye are veera beautiful." Jamie compliments his daughter. She wears a billowing skirt and a cream colored top that brings out the blue in her eyes and the chestnut color of her curles.

"Very fetching darling." Her mam agrees.

"It will do." She is secretly pleased. 

"Is yer brother ready?"

"Ye ken him da. He is slower then me." 

"That is because I was worth waiting for. That is why I was born after ye." 16 year old Brian Quentin Alexander says as he enters the room.

"By ten minutes." His sister rolls her eyes. 

Brian is all his da, from his flaming red curles, blue slanted eyes, and impressive height. With jeans, boots, and a button down shirt, he could be his da in upper school.

"You know the rules?" Claire says. The twins sigh in unison before repeating,

"No drinking, no drugs, no hanging with those that are. No sex, no kissing past the neck. Oral sex is sex. The best way to prevent an unplanned pregnancy is to plan. The best way to prevent an addiction is not to start an addictive behavior."

"Very good. Now go have fun." The twins are attending their first upper school party. "But not to much." They roll their eyes but know she only fusses because she loves them fiercely.

"Ye can call if ye need us. Ye ken that?"

"Aye dad. We love ye. We will behave. Promise." With one more hug for da and kiss for mam, they are off.

"Ye okay?" He asks his wife as they watch them drive off with a wave.

"I think so. They are good children. And we taught them well."

"Aye. May I escort ye to bed Mrs Fraser?"

"Oh yes Mr Fraser."

The end.


End file.
